Tag: things i hate

Saquon Barkley’s autograph apparently helped a Giants fan get his ex back

Saquon Barkley’s autograph helped highlight a Giant red flag in a failing relationship

Saquon Barkley knows a little bit about dysfunctional relationships. After all, he did sign a one-year deal to return to the New York Giants after threatening a holdout related to the team’s use of the franchise tag.

So when he saw a Giants fan facing the similar breakup of a doomed relationship that could only be mended by material things, he stepped up to the plate. At training camp, one enterprising fan in a Barkley jersey rolled up with a posterboard sign advertising his outward loneliness and deep, tragic need for acceptance from a person who clearly wants nothing to do with him. The text within?

“SAQUON, my ex will take me back if you sign this.”

Oooof, guy. Bold move to show up to training camp advertising the boundaries of human frailty.

Successful signing gambit aside, that is not a person you want to be with. But the Giants, a club with no interest in paying the star running back responsible for the team’s rising star anything above the tragically low market value that has covered his position like a dense, undissipating fart, are probably not the team Barkley should be with either. Especially after failing to get an assurance that New York won’t simply franchise tag him again in 2024.

So the former rookie of the year, understanding the leverage-less feeling of trying to run on a frictionless surface, did his duty. He Sharpied the sign and endeared himself further to Giants fans. And left the rest of us to hope that our lonesome protagonist was merely playing up his situation to snag Saquon’s attention and grab an autograph.

Because if that text is even remotely true, hoooo buddy. That is very, very sad and it is time for some frank inward reflection.

There’s no wrong way to make an old fashioned, unless you’re this TikTok bartender

The short pour. The underwhelming bourbon. The superfluous steps. The smirking doofus lecturing us without a word. This video is awful.

The old fashioned is a drink for the people. But last week, a frankly disturbing viral video showed how it can be weaponized by the worst people at the bar: the hipster doofus.

Some guy on TikTok — I’m not going to further dignify his desperate plea for attention by naming him — posted a video of an entirely too formal craft bartender taking entirely too long to make what promises to be a thoroughly underwhelming cocktail. There isn’t a single word spoken in the two-minute, 21-second video. It still feels like an hour-long lecture at the Community College of Alienating Friends and Disturbing Customers.

This “perfect old fashioned” somehow takes a drink that can be made properly a thousand different ways and makes it wrong. It’s a minutes-long process for a beverage any dive bartender in the state of Wisconsin can make 10 times faster while tasting 10 times better. And while that brings up the debate on traditional vs. midwestern, bourbon vs. rye vs. Dairyland brandy variant and sweet vs. sour, almost every old fashioned drinker can agree: This guy needs to calm the hell down.

So, let’s discuss every aspect of this ridiculous video that’s remained lodged in my brain for the past week.

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