USC, maybe try hiring a coach who isn’t already a USC person

USC, please think differently for once.

USC has fired Clay Helton, the former multi-time interim coach who won a Rose Bowl and became Rasputin. For more than six years, Helton constantly won just enough games to remain in place, weathering even one of the most disastrous recruiting classes ever. The last straw was a 42-28 home loss to a Stanford team that’d just lost to Kansas State.

Attention pivoted without delay toward USC’s next coach. And here’s the fun thing about a USC coaching search: they’ve happened so frequently since Pete Carroll left, everyone gets to trot out the same jokes from just a few years prior, and they work just as well every time. Because we all know how USC works.

USC likes to hire people who are already USC people. When USC people fail, USC then finds a different USC person to hire. And every time USC needs to hire a new USC person, the rumors must include USC people Jack Del Rio and Jeff Fisher.

At this point, USC has hired so many self-retreads that you can call for previous retreads to become re-retreads.

You can also join the stampede to make the Urban Meyer joke, if you like, but I think that lacks a certain USC-ness. Meyer, after all, has never worked at USC before.

USC, I’m here to help. Trying the same thing has gone poorly. Please try something new. Please hire someone who didn’t play for you, has never coached for you, and has few connections to Los Angeles or California or even the West Coast. Preferably been fired before! Maybe had a horrible time in the NFL! Let’s review what’s worked for you and what hasn’t.

Pete Carroll

Was he a USC person before being hired? No. Born and raised five hours north of L.A., Carroll never worked any closer to USC campus before being hired by the Trojans in 2001. He’d been a twice-failed NFL head coach who hadn’t done anything at the college level more impressive than helming NC State’s No. 62 defense in 1980.

Did it work? Yes. Carroll’s Trojans won a national title and nearly two more, plus five other BCS bowls. Those of us who are semi-old are often fooled into thinking of these things when we think of USC, because we see these highlights when we scroll past the Longhorn Network.

Lane Kiffin

Was he a USC person before being hired? Yes. Kiffin had been on Carroll’s staff for six years, rising as high as offensive coordinator before taking over.

Did it work? No. USC had a 10-2 record in 2011, then started 2012 with the No. 1 ranking. They became one of the most overrated teams of all time, finishing 7-6 with a Sun Bowl loss. Kiffin was soon fired on an airport tarmac.

Steve Sarkisian

Was he a USC person before being hired? Yes. Sark had roughly the same résumé as Kiffin, plus the title of Trojans assistant head coach and a decent stint as Washington HC.

Did it work? No. His teams went 12-6 before he was fired amid personal issues, which athletic director Pat Haden might’ve been alerted to in advance, if he’d bothered to take a look.

A defensive Haden took full responsibility for the hiring of a coach that was wrong for the program and called into question the vetting process of the search firm that the school retained to hire him.

However, he admitted that the university never did a public records search, which was all it took for the Los Angeles Times and the Associated Press to uncover Sarkisian’s numerous alcohol-related incidents and receipts from restaurants and bars.

Why not vet a person before handing them a seven-figure contract? Well, when that person is a USC person, you hire them regardless. Oh, Haden’s also a USC person, having played QB for the Trojans in the ’70s. (He was replaced as AD by fellow USC person Lynn Swann. At least Swann’s replacement, Mike Bohn, was not a USC person, though he has unfortunately become one by remaining at USC for several years.)

Clay Helton

Was he a USC person before being hired? Yes. I’ll let his Wikipedia bio tell the story:

2010–2011 USC (QB coach)
2012 USC (Passing game coordinator/QB)
2013 USC (OC/QB)
2013 USC (interim HC)
2014 USC (OC/QB)
2015 USC (OC/QB/interim HC)

Did it work? No. In six years, Helton’s teams finished in the AP top 10 just once, and the seventh does not appear to be on pace to break that drought.

Let’s take this back even further.

John McKay

Was he a USC person before being hired? Not really. He’d served one year as an assistant coach, but had spent nearly a decade coaching at rival Oregon, in addition to playing for the Ducks and Purdue.

Did it work? Yes. McKay’s Trojans won national titles in the ’60s and ’70s.

Howard Jones

Was he a USC person before being hired? No. From Ohio. Played at Yale (which gives you a sense of how long ago this was). Coached Syracuse, Yale, Ohio State, Yale again, Iowa, and Duke before finding his true home in Southern California.

Did it work? Yes. Jones quickly built a young USC into a national power, winning five Rose Bowls.

John Robinson

Ok, here’s the only argument in favor of USC hiring a USC person, and this one is still complicated.

Was he a USC person before being hired? Kinda. He’d been a USC assistant for three years, but just like McKay, was much more of an Oregon person.

Did it work? Yes. Robinson’s first stint with the Trojans included the 1978 national title. He then left to coach the Raiders.

Was he a USC person before being hired again? Yes.

Did it work again? Ehh. In five bonus years, he won another Rose Bowl, but lost five or more games three times.

Let’s stop right there. I gotta be honest. I was trying to build all this toward a plea for USC to hire Greg Schiano, an extreme East Coaster and former failed NFL coach, but then … he just … tweeted it out …