NFL teams will have presentations, pitches and sizable contracts prepared in an effort to make Tom Brady into the former New England Patriots quarterback. Brady is a pending free agent, and the Patriots appear prepared to let the quarterback test the market, where he’ll likely receive offers that will exceed what the Patriots are willing to pay.
Brady will have to make the decision: a new team with money and/or proven stars or his old team with Bill Belichick. Here’s a look at what NFL teams might have to offer Brady, as he makes the difficult decision of where to play in 2020. Let’s look at 12 potential pitches.
New England Patriots
*The room collectively puts up the hoods on their sweatshirts*
You know those six rings you’ve got in your safe in your bajilion dollar apartment in Manhattan? How’d you get those rings, Tom? HOW?!
Los Angeles Chargers
Heard of Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, Hunter Henry, Austin Ekeler? Look at what the Patriots did to you last year. Of course, your boy Julian Edelman was on the roster. But N’Keal Harry? Mohamed Sanu? Forgive us for sa-noozeing on that group. We’ve got players everyone wants to play with. We’ve got Pro Bowlers, Tom.
The red carpet is just down the street. You’d be the next Brad(y) Pitt. Want to get into movies? You’ve got the looks for it! And even better, you can profit off all these suckers. If you sell your TB12 Method right — you know, as the fountain of youth — people will come to hate strawberries, dairy, eggplant, mushrooms and peppers, just like you.
Las Vegas Raiders
Look, man, we know how much you like slot machines … like Julian Edelman (get it?!?). How about our guy Hunter Renfrow? He’s just like you like them: way too small but hard working and fairly athletic. Knock on wood if you’re with me!
And, hey, we both got burnt by Antonio Brown — that stunk right? That stunk like his weird, frostbitten feet. But we have so much in common, man!
And I’ll tell ya what: we’re in the middle of a desert, man. You won’t find a strawberry bush for like 1,000 miles. Wow.
Indianapolis Colts
In Indianapolis, you can chose your own adventure, Tom. That’s right, we have 86 million reasons why you should join us. Yup, we’re talking about cap space, Tom. That’s almost double what the Patriots have. We can pay you — and we can bring in your buddy Danny Amendola. Heck, maybe we can bring in Austin Hooper and A.J. Green, too.
We also know you’ve been pretending to like Peyton Manning since he retired. It’s cool. We won’t tell. You hate him. It’s our little secret. But if you want to show him who’s GOAT, you can come here and put your name above his in the franchise record book.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Imagine a world where you’re throwing to Mike Evans, Chris Godwin, O.J. Howard, Cameron Brate and Breshad Perriman.
Oh, you want more. Ok, well, Bruce Arians is a fun guy. No, no, don’t leave Tom. We’d didn’t say funghi. We known you don’t eat mushrooms. We said: Fun. Guy. He’s nice — unlike the NFL’s evil emperor you played for last year.
Our tackle and guard positions? Oh, don’t worry about that, Tom. We’ve got avocado ice cream. Here, eat up.
Chicago Bears
Tom, you could beat Aaron Rodgers twice a year. Throwing to Allen Robinson and Tarik Cohen shouldn’t sound bad either. And Matt Nagy is just like Andy Reid — but without a Super Bowl.
Detroit Lions
Have you ever wanted to play for the Patriots — but lose most of your games? Boy, have we got the team for you!
New York Giants
Gisele already loves Manhattan. The lights will never be too dull for you, and you already know how to handle crazy sports media from up in Boston.
And then there’s Joe Judge. Joe! Judge! You know him!
Tennesse Titans
We’ve got Mike Vrabel. Mike! Vrabel! You know him!
Plus, we’ve got amazing fried chicken. You don’t eat that? That’s dumb. Goo Goo Clusters? Not them either. Biscuits? That’s off the table, too.
Well, A.J. Brown and Corey Davis are pretty good. You could throw to them. And Adam Humphries is basically a not-that-good Edelman. You’ll also love playing with Derrick Henry, who may or may not be on the team next year.
Dallas Cowboys
Who needs Dak Prescott, a promising 26-year-old? We want you, Tom. There’s nothing quite like a 43-year-old past-his-prime signal-caller with just two years left in his career. We promise Jerry Jones won’t talk to you. Yes, we can assure you of that. We’ve got Amari Cooper on the ropes in contract negotiations and maybe Jason Witten will stick around if you’re here.
Can we show you our offensive line? They were genetically engineered in Jerry’s lab to be Pro Bowlers. No, it’s not legal — but when did that stop you all in New England?
San Francisco 49ers
Why stick it to Manning in Indy when you can stick it to Jimmy Garoppolo in San Francisco? We read that ESPN report. Heck, we were the beneficiaries of your reported anxieties about Jimmy G. Well, now you can unseat him, like he was trying to do with you. Now, you can “go home” to San Francisco and take over the team you loved as a kid. Now you can help us beat Patrick Mahomes and now you can throw to Rob Gronkowski again. What? No, we promise that’s not George Kittle dressed to look like Gronk.
Miami Dolphins
We have endless spending money and draft capital. We just have to hit on all of our free agents and draft selections and trade acquisitions to provide you with a satisfactory supporting cast. But we got this. No sweat. Do you even sweat? Is that a thing that GOATs do?
Also, Brian Flores is here, Tom. You know him!
Carolina Panthers
Want a creative offensive guru? Meet coach Matt Rhule and his offensive coordinator Joe Brady. That’s right, Tom. He does have the same name as you. Also, Christian McCaffrey is good. Really good.
Yes, that’s it. That’s the pitch.
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