Following Jim Harbaugh and Michigan’s request for a temporary restraining order against the Big Ten Conference’s three-game sideline suspension of the Wolverine’s head coach, the case landed on the docket of Judge Carol Kunhke after originally being submitted to Judge Timothy Connors.
While both judges are Michigan graduates, the case will not be heard until the Friday before Week 12. For The Win obtained* the legal argument submitted by Michigan and has published it in full below.
*Totally made up
Gee, Honorable Kunhke
Ya gotta understand,
Every team is jealous
Of our Michigan Man,
Our schedule may be weak
So the scores are outta hand
Golly Moses, they’re coming for our brand!
Gee, Honorable Kunhke, we’re very upset
We never seem to earn the whole nation’s respect
We ain’t no delinquents
We’re misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good!
There is good!
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worse of us is good
Gee, kindly Big Ten worker
What ever shall we do?
This Connor Stallions figure came right out of the blue!
He wore so many costumes
He stole so many signs!
Sure it helped us winning, but we didn’t pay a dime!
Right! Tony Petitti, you’re really a square
This team don’t need a coach
It’s just their neurosis that oughta be curbed
This whole damn conference is disturbed!
They’re disturbed!
They’re disturbed, they’re disturbed
They’re the most disturbed
Like psychologically disturbed!
Gee, Kindly lawyer bloggers
Your expertise is grand
Your theories all are sound
And your service in demand
Our counselor costs a fortune
But your posts have all been scanned
Golly Moses, that’s why we’re all damned!
Thomas Mars, you’re our final hope
Attorneys for the Big Ten must think you’re a dope
Cause they waited til Friday to dump their results
There is no one else we can consult!
We can’t consult!
Can’t consult, Can’t consult
No one to consult!
Like the offices are closed no consults
The trouble is he’s stealing
The trouble is he cheats
The trouble is he’s winning
The trouble is we’re beat!
We can’t beat him away
We can’t beat him at home
Kuhnke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Honorable Kuhnke
We’re all outta rhymes
‘Cause Connor Stalions stole them like he stole all our signs
Gee, Honorable Kuhnke
What are we to do?
Gee, Honorable Kuhnke—
Kuhnk you!