Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
I’ll be honest. I understand the Yellowstone phenomenon. I am not part of it.
I’m sure I’d like the show. I’m happy for Kevin Costner’s comeback and pivot to America’s quasi-historian like a beefy, rugged Ken Burns. But I tend to jump into prestige dramas long after they’re relevant. The first time I watched even a single episode of The Sopranos, for example, was probably 2013.
This is all a long preamble to tell you, no, I don’t really understand why Costner is making specially curated blends for Green Mountain Coffee Roasters. Or why he’s opted for the very un-cowboy brewing technique of K-cups.
All I do know is this media kit came with the most absurd, and beautiful, promotional item I’ve ever received. Behold, the coffee holster:
While it looks like a Keurig-bedazzled thong, it’s actually an extremely ornate piece of leatherwork (shoutout to Hellbound Leather Co., who apparently handled it) meant to hold a travel mug and little bandoliers of individually packaged coffee. It is also, even on its tightest setting, large enough for me to hula hoop in:
This, sadly, will ruin my opportunity to be “the dad no one wants to talk to at the bus stop” this coming school year. But it is very nice.
Anyway, the coffee. We’re here to talk about the coffee. Costner has two blends with Green Mountain; a Horizon Blend dark roast and a Mountainside Mocha Latte. Each features a stoic Costner, holding a tin mug (ooooh, so close) and gazing into the wilderness. Mesas and woodlands abound, creating the impression, just maybe, Costner has earned enough money to live inside a Bob Ross painting.
Truly, the American dream.
Let’s see how they taste.
Mountainside Mocha Latte: C? B? D? Man, I DO NOT KNOW
The first thing I notice when brewing a cup is the dusting of coffee grounds that shoot from the bottom of my Keurig right before the coffee itself pours out. Huh. The latte clocks in much darker than I expected at first, then lightens as the tail end of the cup promises creamier flavors.
I’m going into this without my standard Splenda/milk/protein powder that I add to my morning coffee. I’m also rolling with an eight ounce pour, elegantly dropped into Created’s Paris Olympic themed collaboration with Steve Wolf and La Marzocco. Timely!
There’s a definite roasted, woody smell coming from the top of the pour, but it doesn’t especially taste like coffee. It’s not terribly appealing, but there is a little sweetness hiding in there, mostly through dark cacao nibs.
That sweetness extends to the first sip, though the wood-like flavor does as well. The description on the box lays the groundwork for “earthy” tastes and a “creamy” mouthfeel and I will say it hits both those targets.
Is this mocha for cowboys? A hedged bet that you can enjoy a sweet, fancy coffee drink if it’s got a little dirt in it? It’s good and a little gross at the same time, weird in a way that keeps me coming back, trying futilely to figure out whether I like it or not.
It feels a little briny under its latte thickness as well. Alright, I’m gonna see if this is a “me” problem and make a less concentrated version, pouring this into a larger mug with more water.
Mountainside Mocha Latte from a bigger cup: C+
This one smells the same, though it brewed without the dusting of pre-liquid coffee grounds, which seems like an improvement. Thinning it out with a 16 ounce Keurig brew, however, makes a significant difference with the taste. The earth tones are less prevalent, but so is the creaminess.
As such, how much you like Mr. Costner’s log-splitter latte depends on your tolerance for that earthy, wood-adjacent flavor. This does feel like the kind of coffee you’d get at a fancy ranch, because it feels like it was brewed through a slab of cedar rather than a coffee filter. That light brine lingers toward the end, which isn’t a turnoff but is noticeable.
It’s not a problem. I can drink it. It’s just a little weird for a latte.
Horizon Blend Dark Roast: A-
This immediately smells better than the mocha latte, a rich, dark roast that smells like coffee. Not to get too Folgers on you, but this is the smell I imagine when I’m thinking of something capable of waking me up.
It brews moderately dark, to which I’ve added a packet of Splenda and a little two percent milk. And I went back to the Paris 2024 ceramic from Created and La Marzocco because, well, they’re very nice mugs and the coffee rings on my desk suggest that, deep down, I may be a saucer guy.
That richness translates to the taste. There’s a nice, latent acidity working under the surface to create clean, crisp sips of warm, roasted coffee. It’s not especially bitter — though, again, I’ve got a little milk and sugar(ish) in here. Despite leaning toward the darker end of the coffee spectrum, Horizon Blend is still approachable for a relative coffee neophyte like me to drink. There’s a little chocolate in there if you dig deep and some of the earthiness that headlines Costner’s latte, but most of all this just tastes like a proper cup of coffee.