This is the online version of our morning newsletter, The Morning Win. Subscribe to get irreverent and incisive sports stories, delivered to your mailbox every morning.
On Wednesday I wrote about the Houston Astros being cowards. I called them that word because on the first day that pitchers and catchers reported to spring training the team did not allow media into their facilities and the team even roped off parking lot and had it heavily guarded by security.
I saw that as extremely cowardly because the team knew that the media would be wanting to get some answers about the embarrassing cheating scandal from some pitchers and catches, most notably Justin Verlander, who ended up speaking to reporters on Wednesday and said he wished he would have spoken up when he saw his teammates cheating: “I wish I had said more and I didn’t, and for that I am sorry.”
Well, now it turns out that I was wrong to call them cowards and I must apologize for calling them that. My parents raised me to admit when I was wrong and to say sorry when necessary.
So, I’m sorry.
The Astros aren’t cowards.
They’re just idiots.
I mean, did you see how they handled their “apologies” on Thursday? They had months to figure out the best way to handle this and they apparently settled on being a real-life version of that GIF where the guy walks to the car with a handful of things only to slip and drop them all in spectacular fashion.
The Houston Astros had PR companies across the globe pointing and laughing at them.
The team’s owner, the bumbling Jim Crane, at one moment said this about their sign-stealing: “Our opinion is that this didn’t impact the game.”
Then 55 seconds later, when pressed on that statement, Crane said: “I didn’t say it didn’t impact the game.”
I mean, to steal a line from another popular GIF, we are laughing!
But Crane’s incredibly poor apology wasn’t even the worst one, which tells you just how amazing this entire fail by the team was on Thursday.
Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve apologized for their actions with such little genuineness that it was stunning and laughable. Everyone on Twitter instantly starting comparing their apologies to Dwight Schrute’s hilarious non-apology from The Office.
Bregman said: “I am really sorry… about the choices… that were made… by my team, by the organization, and by me. I have learned from this… and I hope to regain the trust of baseball fans.”
We have a new record for insincerity in apologies pic.twitter.com/5HyhECge9o
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) February 13, 2020
I mean LOL. That was basically me apologizing to my parents for coming in a few hours after curfew back in my high school days.
Altuve said: “The whole Astros organization feels bad for what happened in 2017. We especially feel remorse for the impact on our fans and the game of baseball. And our teams is determined to move forward and play with intensity and bring back a championship to Houston in 2020.”
Jose Altuve apology pic.twitter.com/iq624uF11Q
— Brian McTaggart (@brianmctaggart) February 13, 2020
Again, they had months to figure this thing out and that’s how they handled it?
Woof.
This year is going to be a mess for this team, and rightfully so. They don’t deserve any forgiveness, at least not yet.
Because what happened on Thursday was another embarrassing day for a franchise that is getting used to those.
Thursday’ biggest winner: Tristan Thompson’s take on LeBron’s diet.
The Athletic published a great story on Thursday that had a bunch of people who know LeBron James pretty well tell their favorite LeBron James stories. Former teammate Tristan Thompson dished on LeBron’s diet, which sounds like a lot of fun but not like something that should power such a phenomenal athlete. LeBron LOVES dessert and breakfast.
Quick hits: Tiger’s tribute to Kobe… Crazy Zion facts… Pitches for Tom Brady… And more!
– Tiger Woods paid a sweet tribute to Kobe Bryant on the 8th hole at Riviera on Thursday.
– These 6 mind-blowing facts from Zion Williamson’s first nine games of his NBA career are pretty nuts.
– Here are the perfect pitches for all 13 teams that should be chasing down Tom Brady in free agency.
– Some NASCAR legends had some advice for Jimmie Johnson as he enters his final season.
– The clubs inside Alex Rodriguez’s golf bag are as weird as he is.