Last week was a clutch time to have the best week of the season. It was basically like Game 6 Michael Jordan but with football picks.
Week 15 record: 11-5
Season record: 115-106
To the picks!
Point spreads were provided by Bet MGM. (HOME TEAM in all caps).
Houston (-3.5) vs. TAMPA BAY
Tampa Bay has won three games all season, and is somehow 7-7.
Pick: Texans (-3.5)
NEW ENGLAND (-6.5) vs. Buffalo
The Bills’ .418 strength of schedule is by far the lowest in the NFL. Their .329 strength of victory is ahead of only the Steelers and Cowboys among playoff teams. Knocking off the Patriots would help buoy the latter stat, but that would require the Bills to win in New England. They’ve never won a game started and finished by Tom Brady in Foxboro. Their only two wins there since 2001 came in 2014 when then-rookie Jimmy Garoppolo played half the game, and in 2016 when Jacoby Brissett started while Tom Brady was suspended.
Pick: Bills (+6.5)
SAN FRANCISCO (-6.5) vs. Los Angeles Rams
The 49ers don’t need this game to win their division, but in reality they do need it. The Rams need two wins and two Vikings losses to make the playoffs. We’re going to learn a lot about the makeup of these two clubs Sunday.
Pick: Rams (+6.5)
ATLANTA (-7.5) vs. Jacksonville
Normally a game like this would be a candidate to get launched into the sun, but these offenses might be fun enough to make it worth checking out.
Pick: Jaguars (+7.5)
New Orleans (-2.5) vs. TENNESSEE
This is the game that either buries the Titans or skyrockets them to Super Bowl contenders.
Pick: Saints (-2.5)
WASHINGTON (-1.5) vs. New York Giants
Ah, yes. Here it is.Launch everything about this matchup directly into the sun or other exceedingly hot celestial body.
Pick: Giants (+1.5)
Pittsburgh (-2.5) vs. NEW YORK JETS
Setting the over/under for Sam Darnold turnovers at 2.5, and that feels light.
Pick: Steelers (-2.5)
MIAMI (-1.5) vs. Cincinnati
This one saves the same fate as Washington vs. New York because the comedy factor here is much, much higher.
Pick: Dolphins (-1.5)
INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) vs. Carolina
Colts vs. Panthers is a good National Geographic documentary idea.
Pick: Panthers (+7.5)
Baltimore (-9.5) vs. CLEVELAND
Keep everything about the Browns away from me until they make the postseason.
Pick: Ravens (-9.5)
DENVER (-6.5) vs. Detroit
If I ever had to stay in Detroit for a long time, then got to go to Denver for a weekend, I may never leave Denver.
Pick: Broncos (-6.5)
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-6.5) vs. Oakland
Wow. Oakland’s final home game of 2019.
Pick: Chargers (-6.5)
Dallas (-1.5) vs. PHILADELPHIA
Maximum comedy is an Eagles win here. Unfortunately for the Eagles, and those of us with niche senses of humor that get a kick out of the NFL standings, Dallas is in a way better spot than Philly right now.
Pick: Cowboys (-1.5)
SEATTLE (-9.5) vs. Arizona
Kyler Murray and Russell Wilson might be two of the five best quarterbacks in the NFL next season, and that’s terrifying for the rest of the NFC West.
Pick: Cardinals (+9.5)
Kansas City (-4.5) vs. CHICAGO
Would Chicago win the Super Bowl if they had Patrick Mahomes instead of Mitchell Trubisky? It feels like they definitely would.
Pick: Chiefs (-4.5)
MINNESOTA (-3.5) vs. Green Bay
Is there anyone in the universe that trusts Kirk Cousins to win a Monday Night Football game with the division on the line?
Pick: Vikings (-3.5)