We all survived week 1 of SEC Football which means its time for a brand new mascot showdown. This weekend we get a top-ten matchup against a team everyone loves to hate, the Georgia Bulldogs.
Any Auburn fan will tell you that they came out of the womb hating Georgia, its true. That’s what happened to me when I was born and now me and my dad are on our own football island isolated from the rest of our family. (Ok, so I didn’t fully hate Georgia until I was barked at in 2013 when the Dawgs came to Auburn. I was shocked. Sir, this is a Dominos Pizza).
The bulldog is actually a pretty legit mascot and we’ll get into those details soon, but its nowhere nearly as cool as a tiger.
The “costumed” mascots:
Aubie the Tiger (Auburn): I upset a few people last week when I broke the news that Aubie isn’t a real tiger, but an overly caffeinated college student instead. It’s true, but at least the man behind the mask doesn’t bark at people in a crowded Dominos.
“The Hairy Dawg”: I’m not even kidding, that’s what the costumed bulldog for Georgia is called. When I first made this discovery I thought of my go-to “Hair of the Dog” drink filled with dog fur. This mascot is also a college-aged human whose diet probably consists of Marlboros and White Claw. When unsuited, this mascot probably also barks at innocent individuals.
Let’s break down what’s behind those masks.
Humans:
Weight: 136 lbs
Height: 5.2-5.6 ft
Habitat: neighborhood bars, Applebee’s, Coachella, downtown Nashville (on a party bus), Wal Mart, sometimes the library
Life expectancy: 79 years
Speed: 0-6 mph
Bite force PSI (I mean if you’re into that): 162 PSI
Predators: the coronavirus, Florida man, the newest TIk Tok challenge, murder hornets, modern technology, and last but certainly not least-themselves
Fun Facts: Humans are the only species that have thumbs and those thumbs have put us on the moon
The ACTUAL mascots:
Tigers (Auburn):
Weight: 140-370 lbs (female) 200-680 lbs (male)
Height: 2.3-4 feet
Habitat: rain forests, grasslands, savannas, mangrove swamps
Life expectancy: 10-15 years
Speed: 30-40 mph
Bite force PSI: 1,050 PSI
Predators: none
Fun Facts: they’re extremely scary and should be respected at all times, also remember that their pee smells like buttered popcorn so if you go to the jungle and smell popcorn you better leave
Bulldogs (Georgia):
Weight: 40-51 lbs (female) 51-55 lbs (male)
Height: 12-16 in
Habitat: anywhere there are humans, including Applebee’s because it is a family establishment
Life expectancy: 8-10 years
Speed: 15 mph
Bite force PSI: 305 PSI
Predators: Bevo (University of Texas mascot), Robert Baker (former Auburn wide receiver), PETA (seriously leave Uga alone he is very much loved you posers), inbreeding, water (they struggle to swim)
Fun Facts: they are good dogs, they are the 5th most popular dog breed, they were bred to fight bulls, and they can skateboard
As much as I love dogs, I still hate Georgia. May the best mascot win on Saturday and may Uga stay safe from longhorns.