The Cowboys’ lifeless first half against the Packers had NFL fans making so many Bill Belichick jokes

Would Bill Belichick really work for Jerry Jones? It feels VERY possible now.

Even after parting ways with the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick apparently still wants to coach in the NFL. And when taking Sunday’s early Wild Card Game results into account, his next gig very well might come with the Dallas Cowboys.

The Cowboys entered their opening postseason matchup with the Green Bay Packers as the NFC’s No. 2 seed. They had legitimate Super Bowl aspirations, with Mike McCarthy looking to bury his demons with his old team. Instead, Dallas fell behind 27-7 at halftime, with the Cowboys looking lifeless for the better part of 30 minutes. No wonder Jimmy Johnson was so openly upset.

Even a 14-0 deficit seemed like it hit the Cowboys like a Mack Truck.

When combining such poor body language with a terrible performance, NFL fans connected the dots. It was time for owner Jerry Jones to make the call to Belichick. Of course, halfway through a playoff game, these were only jokes. But I can’t think of a better opportunity for Belichick to coach a possible contender than with the Cowboys’ talented roster.

Should the Cowboys’ humiliation indeed be cemented, don’t discount Belichick calling Dallas home soon enough.

Even after a playoff win, Patrick Mahomes’ Chiefs have never felt more vulnerable

The fatally-flawed Chiefs seem destined for a short postseason.

In the last half-decade, the Kansas City Chiefs have been the NFL’s gold standard.

No one has won more regular-season games. No one has won and or appeared in more Super Bowls. No one has appeared more unbeatable in clutch moments, especially with their backs against the wall. The competition simply can’t compare to the peak success of the Patrick Mahomes, Andy Reid, and Travis Kelce era. The Chiefs have set the pace for everyone else. At every turn, they’ve lapped the field.

Unfortunately for Kansas City, the Chiefs couldn’t maintain this blistering pace forever.

Saturday night featured another Chiefs playoff victory, this time over an uninspiring Miami Dolphins squad. Kansas City will now play in the Divisional Round for the sixth straight season. Should the Chiefs win next weekend, they will extend their streak of AFC title game appearances to six, sitting only behind the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick New England Patriots (eight). Ah, but there’s the rub. Because such a possibility — continued Chiefs postseason success this year, that is — has never felt more unrealistic.

The Chiefs themselves aren’t in a position to quibble about a 19-point win in January. After their rampant inconsistencies this year, Saturday night was likely the most complete game Kansas City had played in weeks.

But I’m not moved by any perceived dominance over a team from South Florida playing in beyond-frigid conditions. I’m not impressed by a win over an injury-battered squad missing several key starters on both sides of the ball, including starting pass rushers Bradley Chubb and Jaelan Phillips, star safety Jevon Holland, and starting guard Connor Williams. I’m not moved by shutting down Tua Tagovailoa, a quarterback who has demonstrated he doesn’t possess the aptitude necessary to overcome physical defensive play from quality opponents.

To say the Dolphins were an unmitigated pretender would be akin to saying  “water is wet.” The Chiefs outgained the Dolphins by almost 150 yards and held them to a single third-down conversion. It’s hard to debate those results at face value. But I’d argue that was much more a circumstance of a favorable matchup with a top-heavy team that almost literally limped into the postseason. This wasn’t classic Chiefs football.

This was a fortuitous first-round draw:

Nothing we saw from the Chiefs on Saturday night was a contrast from their up-and-down play during the second half of the regular season. The offense still struggled to generate big plays, averaging just 5.5 yards per play while Mahomes’ average yards per pass attempt was 6.4. The offense still struggled in the red zone, achieving a middling 33 percent conversion rate that won’t inspire an ounce of fear in any of the AFC’s heavyweights. If Rashee Rice doesn’t come prepared with a monster yards-after-the-catch performance, it’s hard to envision Kansas City scoring more than 20 points. And it’s hard to see this cautious version of Mahomes overcoming his supporting cast’s limitations. We’ve been talking about these same Chiefs’ red flags since November. They look like the same exact team.

If the Chiefs’ offense is somehow at its “best” when it turtles and settles for dump-offs, then they can’t be trusted.

Kansas City can rest some of its laurels on a special defense that flew around all over the field against Miami. From Chris Jones to Nick Bolton and L’Jarius Sneed, there are field-tilters at every level of this unit. This defense can change and win a game on its own if given the opportunity. But the same could be said for the Baltimore Ravens and the rival Buffalo Bills. The Chiefs were more intimidating when they had the ultimate trump card — a high-flying offense led by Mahomes. That is no longer the case. If all of these strikes against another Chiefs’ deep playoff run weren’t enough, should the AFC field shake out as expected, the Chiefs would likely have to go on the road to beat both the Bills and Ravens just to make a return trip to the Super Bowl.

Such is life when you no longer have that advantageous Kansas City home field.

There is a fraught danger in counting out perhaps the most talented quarterback ever to play (Mahomes), maybe the finest offensive coach ever (Reid), and a future First-Ballot Hall of Fame tight end (Kelce). If any team can play beyond its means, it is this iteration of Kansas City. All bets should be off until the Chiefs are officially sent to the golf course. More supremacy from the NFL’s Big Red Machine this winter wouldn’t be surprising.

Yet, there’s a key distinction between these Chiefs and the ones that qualified for three of the last four Super Bowls. Those editions of Kansas City were flawed, too. Some couldn’t play a lick of defense. Some didn’t have a legitimate No. 1 receiver. Some were too injured in their own right. But these were never issues stacked on top of each other, further compounding their problems. By contrast, these Chiefs have a laundry list of issues to overcome. They are constructed like a fragile house of cards, asking their superhero quarterback to transcend a delicate situation that demands absolute perfection. Even Mahomes isn’t capable of such absurd wizardry.

Come to think of it: who could be?

The lower-power Chiefs should be commended for advancing to the NFL’s quarterfinals once again. Their play on Saturday night — even in a win — might be a sign that there may not be much more to celebrate about this season.

The Chiefs-Dolphins game demonstrated how awful Jason Garrett is as an announcer

Jason Garrett should not be an NFL announcer.

If the NFL and NBC wanted people to watch the Kansas City Chiefs and Miami Dolphins’ playoff matchup through a Peacock subscription, the least they could’ve done is give us a better color commentator than Jason Garrett. When I say “better,” I mean that it would’ve been preferable to listen to three hours of random Wilhelm Screams than hear Garrett’s milquetoast, nonsensical analysis of an NFL postseason affair.

Don’t believe me?

What if I told you that Garrett called Patrick Mahomes a “sneaky good athlete” like he’d never watched him play before? What if I said he seemed to make a reference to Vitamin C’s infamous melody about over-appreciating one’s high school years? And these are just two examples!

At seemingly every turn, rather than add, you know, color to a broadcast, Garrett opted for the low-hanging fruit. He offered the most anodyne possible descriptions of sequences during the game and flip-flopped constantly on his opinions. He called Chiefs-Dolphins like a robot beholden to the binary code, not a human being who knows how to talk to other human beings.

Needless to say, NFL fans had enough of Garrett during an agonizingly awful broadcast.

Noah Eagle’s sharp announcing during Texans-Browns drew rave reviews from NFL fans

It was a joy listening to Noah Eagle call the Texans’ playoff win.

In the absence of the legendary Al Michaels, we heard a relatively new voice call the Houston Texans’ resounding 45-14 win over the Cleveland Browns on Saturday afternoon. It was young play-by-play commentator Noah Eagle — son of Ian, CBS’s No. 2 NFL announcer — who got the booth with partner Todd Blackledge.

And in the aftermath, the general consensus seems to be that Eagle did quite well while setting up a fantastic moment for the city of Houston.

For one, there was this excellent call after a second Texans’ pick-six to ice the victory:

There was also this reference to Houston offensive coordinator Bobby Slowik as a “young man.” Note: Eagle is 26.

Eagle will be NBC’s No. 2 playoff announcer this postseason. Judging by the early returns, the network made a smart decision to give the mic to the rising announcer.

Terry McAulay thinks Patrick Mahomes shouldn’t have replaced his broken helmet without a timeout

The refs were way too kind to Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs.

Everyone held their breath when they saw Patrick Mahomes’ helmet shatter in the frigid Kansas City weather on Saturday night. It’s just not something you see every day and was clearly a product of the absurd cold on the field.

And former NFL referee Terry McAulay thinks the officials were a bit too generous to the Chiefs as Mahomes sorted his helmet mess out.

Given that Mahomes had a critical equipment issue, McAulay questioned why Kansas City didn’t have to take a timeout. Plus, why didn’t Mahomes have to leave the game? This is usually the case when a player has trouble with their equipment, but nothing of the sort happened to the Chiefs. Instead, the game continued on seamlessly.

This might be another case of classic officiating inconsistency:

In the end, in a mostly uncompetitive game from the Miami Dolphins’ perspective, this sequence probably won’t (didn’t?) have much bearing on the final outcome. Still, you’d probably like to see the rules applied consistently — especially when they involve the NFL’s best player.

Jason Garrett acted like he’d never seen Patrick Mahomes before after a 4th down scramble

Has Jason Garrett ever watched Patrick Mahomes play?

From time to time, we get to hear Jason Garrett call NFL games now. What joy! And judging by the sample size of his announcing work, this is probably something we should be exposed less to.

As the Kansas City Chiefs and Miami Dolphins battled in impossibly frigid conditions, Garrett tried to add “unique” color to Patrick Mahomes’ play on the field. Mind you, Mahomes is already one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. He has a patent on making clutch plays in the postseason, especially long runs in pivotal situations. We have seen him do it time and again. We have likely run out of original ways to describe Mahomes.

But when Mahomes scrambled for 28 yards on a second-quarter fourth down, Garrett’s analysis of the sequence made it seem like he’d never actually watched Mahomes play. He’s a “sneaky good athlete,” apparently. Really?

It’s been a rough evening for Garrett while filling in as NBC’s color commentator. This description that effectively made it seem like Mahomes is underrated — the NFL’s best quarterback — might take the cake as his worst call.

Chiefs-Dolphins is so cold that Andy Reid’s mustache froze over

Andy Reid might wanna warm his mustache up.

With a wind chill well below zero, it was frankly unbelievable that the Kansas City Chiefs and Miami Dolphins were forced to feature in a playoff game on Saturday night. Everything about the frigid conditions in Kansas City seemed so untenable and unsafe. This was NOT the evening to go shirtless, dearest readers.

In case you wanted another example of just how cold it was during Chiefs-Dolphins, look no further than Andy Reid’s famous mustache. It was so cold in Kansas City that even Reid’s whiskers appeared to start freezing over.

I mean … what??? I guess, to Reid’s credit, it didn’t seem to bother the coach that much when the camera panned to him on the sideline:

That right there is a classic Football Guy. Even with weather reminiscent of the Arctic and a frozen mustache, Reid focused on a bigger prize — winning a playoff game with his team.

The Texans went all-in with DeMeco Ryans and CJ Stroud and won

The Texans’ future is so bright with DeMeco Ryans and CJ Stroud.

DeMeco Ryans has been around the NFL for nearly two decades as a player and a coach. He’s worn every hat — from being in charge of quality control to coordinating the defense — and has shined incandescently amongst his peers. At this stage, one thing is apparent about the 39-year-old Houston Texans’ leader: everything he touches, and I mean everything, turns to gold.

King Midas, eat your heart out.

The Houston Texans weren’t supposed to beat the Cleveland Browns on Saturday afternoon. Despite an AFC South division title and a home playoff game, the Browns were favored, the experienced team who was about to show Ryans’ young Texans the ropes in a tight postseason atmosphere. Even the NFL might have inadvertently endorsed the Texans’ low voltage by placing them in the sleepy afternoon timeslot. There were likely few souls outside of Houston’s city limits who believed in this team continuing its season.

By the time the game clock showed all zeroes, with a dominant 45-14 score in favor of the Texans, that narrative was dead. It’s all thanks to Ryans and his golden touch.

The Texans are in the Divisional Round for the first time in half a decade because they believed in Ryans. They gave the former elite San Francisco 49ers’ defensive play-caller a six-year contract from the jump because they saw his potential and the impact he could have on their players. They pushed all their chips in on one of the finest young coaches in the sport because they wholeheartedly trusted his process, his decision-making, and his uncanny ability to steer a ship through rough waters.

We’ve seen it all season long, but Saturday’s emphatic performance in a playoff setting was an exclamation point. The Texans’ faith in Ryans was not misplaced. At all.

Let’s set aside Ryans’ evident impact on game day for a second.

Even while he seems the perfect leader for a young “rebuilding” team, Ryans set the Texans’ success into motion the moment they selected CJ Stroud (274 yards, three touchdowns on Saturday) and Will Anderson (one sack) in last year’s NFL Draft. Oh, and lest we forget, he also hired Bobby Slowik — perhaps the premier head coaching candidate this cycle — to develop Houston’s quarterback. Gee, I wonder who was instrumental in helping Stroud enjoy the best rookie season for a quarterback in NFL history?

It’s not rocket science, folks.

Support your signal-caller properly from the outset, and they will shine.

In one offseason, the Texans nailed their head coach and offensive coordinator hires. They had the faces of the franchise on offense and defense. Put another way, Houston landed a Coach of the Year frontrunner, who then brought in a blazing hot head coaching candidate to coordinate his offense, and they added the likely Offensive and Defensive Rookies of the Year in one giant swoop. There are grand slams and there are moon shots into the stratosphere.

Ryans’ personnel masterstrokes for the Texans would qualify under the latter distinction.

No matter who the Texans play next weekend, they will likely be underdogs again. That’s just the nature of the beast when you’re not a traditional powerhouse. But underestimating what one of the NFL’s youngest teams can achieve in the bright lights of January would be a grave mistake. It would overlook Ryans, who has pushed all the right buttons for nearly a year. Why would he make a misstep now?

It would also discount what Stroud, Anderson, and Co. are all capable of together. It’s worth wondering whether this might only be their floor, not their ceiling. These Texans seem certifiably special in every meaningful way.

Saturday afternoon’s humiliation of the Browns was a statement. Ryans’ Texans are here to stay. Even if they fall short of a Super Bowl victory this year — which suddenly seems much more feasible — this feels like it’s the beginning of a franchise on the ascent. This felt like the start of an extended run as an AFC powerhouse for a decade or more. This could have been the Texans’ breakthrough moment into consistent prominence.

Everything Ryans touches turns to gold. No wonder the Texans are cashing in.

J.J. Watt was so happy for the city of Houston after the Texans’ dominant playoff win

J.J. Watt is so proud of these young Texans.

The Houston Texans opened a lot of eyes on Saturday.

From long touchdown runs that necessitated oxygen after the fact to a resounding defensive performance over an “elite” quarterback, Houston played a complete game in its first playoff win since 2019. It certainly seems like DeMeco Ryans and CJ Stroud are building something special.

One of the only people who might have seen this coming is Texans legend J.J. Watt. The now-retired, future Hall of Fame defensive end still closely watches his old team. And after Saturday’s dominant team performance, Watt couldn’t help but be impressed.

More importantly, he was so happy that the city of Houston got to enjoy its NFL team playing this well:

It’s safe to say that if these ascending Texans have won Watt over, then they’re definitely something right. Congratulations, Houston. You’ve already got the best endorsement possible.

NFL fans weren’t surprised that Joe Flacco turned back into a pumpkin at the worst time for the Browns

Joe Flacco breaking the Browns’ hearts was so predictable.

At the age of 38, Joe Flacco unthinkably saved the Cleveland Browns’ season. He took them to their second playoff berth in four years, and it felt like they were destined for a deep run. Anyone who thought that must have not been familiar with Joe Flacco.

Even while throwing for over 300 yards, Flacco effectively fell back to Earth by throwing not one but two pick-sixes against the Houston Texans on Saturday. This was the quarterback that probably should have reared his ugly head much earlier for the Browns.

It’s just unfortunate (but not unsurprising) that it happened in the playoffs in a 45-14 defeat:

This is classic Browns, honestly. Enjoy your best season in years, win 11 games, and then bow out the moment the playoffs begin because your over-the-hill quarterback finally plays like his age. What a shame for Cleveland, but the city probably should’ve seen this coming.