canned cocktails – Syndication Server

Austin Cocktails pack a punch, but truly feel like the (occasionally weird) real thing

Austin Cocktails crams *a lot* in each 8 oz. can. But it works.

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

Canned cocktails are a full-fledged capital-T Thing right now, which as a lazy, lazy man is great news for me. Unfortunately, too many drinks that look like properly mixed sippers are merely pretenders. For example, Jack Daniel’s and El Jimador have their own spiked cans out there, neither of which contain a drop of their signature spirits within.

Fortunately, usurpers to the crown abound. Austin Cocktails, based in the heart of Texas (where the stars at night are big and bright, I’m told), has emerged from that crowded landscape with a handful of potent, unique recipes that promise bespoke-style drinks 8.4 ounces at a time. Are they any good? Can they outshine a macro-brewed malt beverage? Let’s find out.

Cucumber Vodka Mojito: B

First, an admission. This isn’t my first time drinking one of these. I crushed one in the walk from the parking lot to the Miller Park gates to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates but an honest to god beating on the NL Central champion Milwaukee Brewers. All I really remember from that is that it was easy to drink and a proper way to play catch-up after getting caught in traffic on the way out from Madison.

Cracking the can unleashes a wave of mint that carries a mild toothpaste vibe to it. You get a little bit of lime. You also get a curious nutritional fact box that counts each serving of this 8.4 ounce can of 12.5 percent alcohol by volume spirit as 1.5 ounces. I don’t believe you’re supposed to drink it a shot at a time, but it’s mildly concerning there’s more than 200 calories here (42 per serving).

Those calories are well spent, crafting a heavily sweet and slightly tart backdrop that covers up that heavy alcohol content. You do notice the vodka here, but it’s minor and definitely not enough to make you think there’s two shots involved per can. Which, right, is where the bulk of those calories come from. I’m dumb.

The ring at the top of the can says “never too sweet” but, friends, we are walking that tightrope here. Add in the swap of rum for vodka in a classic cocktail and things are at least a little weird. But that’s an inviting kind of weird.

Despite that mild harshness toward the end, it also finishes crisp and is both easy to come back to and easy to swig. I’d say this is a great golf course beverage to sneak into your bag, but good god I’d put down three of these in the first six holes and pass out in a sand trap around the turn.

Part of it may be that I’ve been coming off a string of malt beverages in these reviews. Now I get a cocktail that actually comes with the spirit promised in the label. That’s what I want. Austin Cocktails delivers that with ease and even puts an enjoyable twist on it.

Bergamot Orange Margarita: B+

I don’t know what a Bergamot orange is, but it sounds like something I cannot afford. You don’t smell it off the top of the pour, however. All you get here is tequila. A little sweet and salty agave, which is inviting on its own and, at the very least, doesn’t smell cheap.

Despite the currents wafting off the top and another 25 proof can, this doesn’t feel particularly strong. Yes, the tequila is there, but like with the mojito there’s no burn involved. The spirit itself doesn’t stand out in any appreciable way, but it’s part of a premixed drink and about what you’d expect. Totally fine.

The issue is the orange doesn’t really come through cleanly in a drink that gets fewer calories from its mixers than the mojito. I didn’t have to do math to figure that out; it’s right on the can. 25 calories from mixers in the margarita per four-ounce pour vs. 36 for the vodka drink. You get a hint of it toward the end, but for the most part this feels like a very basic canned margarita.

And it’s good at that! You could pass this off as a happy hour special if not for the surfeit of Red Bull-sized cans that would pile up in your recycling. It’s boozy and flavorful and feels like the real thing. It’s also stupidly easy to drink. Austin Cocktails are dangerous, y’all.

Fred’s Ruby Red Cocktail: B

I’ll be honest; I saved this for last because it seems… difficult. Grapefruit, lime, mint and vodka. Those are a lot of big flavors!

True to form, it pours a light pink and smells confusing. The first sip left me cocking my head back and forth like a dog hearing a clarinet. I’m not sure what I’m dealing with and less certain how I feel about it. I think it works? Question mark?

Here’s how it progresses; grapefruit to lime to MINT to lingering sweetness. The vodka is there lurking underneath all of it, but you can miss it because of the series of explosions taking place in the front of the house. It does fulfill the Austin Cocktail parameters of delivering enough flavor to cover up the booze content within and going right at the border of that “never too sweet” credo.

As a result, I can drink it just fine. Again; these cocktails are dangerous. They go down easily and pack a punch well hidden by their ingredients. But you still do get the impression you’re drinking a cared-for cocktail with each sip. It’s tough to see that as anything but a win.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Austin Cocktails over a cold can of Hamm’s?

Yes, but I’d have to stop myself at two or else the volume of my conversations would become a problem for everyone around me.

Horton Coconut Rum cocktails only work with flavors bold enough to wrestle coconut rum

Spend $59, get a 12 pack of mediocre booze that will, if nothing else, look nice on Instagram.

Horton Coconut Rum is not a brand with which I’m familiar. In fairness, though, I could only really name Parrot Bay and Malibu when it comes to the genre.

A little sleuthing tells me it is not, in fact, an established spirit but a brand extension from a mom-fluencer named Krista Horton. I don’t know who this person is, but it seems Reddit does not care for her. She saw a crowded market of canned cocktails and added her own twist; charging $44 per 12 pack for them ($59 after shipping).

That all seems very exhausting. But I like coconut rum. Or I liked it, back when I was in college or playing a hacked version of the Oregon Trail. Let’s see if Ms. Horton can make a cocktail worth nearly $4 per can.

Coconut rum mixed with pineapple soda: B

Let’s start with a traditional cocktail (pina colada) in a form I’ve rarely seen it. I’m assuming the pineapple soda is something like a Fanta, but the pour itself has no color. It smells half pineapple, half boozy off the top, which I’m into. At seven percent ABV, there’s gonna be a little burn involved.

There’s a certain sunscreen feel that comes with coconut drinks, and while that’s unavoidable here it’s not really a problem. Horton hits this cocktail with a lot of sweet flavor and, by turning to pineapple, one of the more overpowering mixers out there. It starts off in that coconut realm before the tropical fruit kicks in to whisk things away on the back of strong carbonation.

That boozy smell off the top doesn’t translate to the taste, which is more soda than rum. It’s a little unbalanced; a tug-o-war between coconut and pineapple that leans toward “too sweet” when something drier may have helped. But it goes a long way to cover up that extra ABV, which works.

It’s not my favorite, but it’s full bodied and unique. Horton was going for something different here and hit that moving target. Maybe not a bullseye, but they’re on the board.

Coconut rum mixed with diet kola: C-

This one pours yellow, which is where I thought the pineapple would be. That’s slightly concerning, but it’s kola, not cola, so I don’t feel too weird about it. It smells like a craft soda, spicy with a little vanilla and cinnamon to it.

The rum inside seems to disappear inside that kola smell. That’s not the case when you drink it. While the coconut barely makes an appearance — it’s much stronger in the pineapple — you get some spicy, sugary rum working with a weak Coke knockoff. It’s a little stale, and between the limited carbonation and weak kola flavor it’s… not great.

It brings me back to Sammy Hagar’s Beach Bar cocktails, which hit the same levels of disappointing with its rum-and-not-Coke mix. It tastes like a better cocktail you left out in the sun too long at a pool party. It’s not undrinkable, and you can sip your way through it amidst awkward conversation. But you don’t really want it, and you’d pass on a second one.

Coconut rum mixed with lime soda: C

This one pours clear again and smells like sour lime and citric acid. That’s more like a generic hard seltzer than a canned cocktail, and if there’s any coconut in there I’m not getting it.

Fortunately, it comes off sweeter than that. The lime feels authentic. The coconut lightens it and makes everything feel a touch creamier in the process. There’s no strong rum taste, but it does clock in gently toward the end to remind you it’s not a regular soda.

It’s not great, but it’s better than the kola. The lesson learned here is that coconut rum works best with other big flavors. The lime here is sweet and clear and it tastes fine while cold. Warmed up is a different story. Once your ice melts a little bit, the flaws of each sip get a little louder.

I dunno, it’s not something I’d do again, but if coconut rum is your jam this is going to hit those notes for you.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

The pineapple one, maybe, if it didn’t cost $5 a can to have delivered. Those are fancy microbrew prices, not airplane-bottle-of-Malibu-and-a-Coke prices. This seems almost predatory in practice. It’s not a premium spirit and can’t justify its price. No thanks.

Skyy Vodka & Soda tastes like nothing, then like a fancy bathroom

Would you like the hand soap or the toothpaste flavor?

I’ve always had a soft spot for Skyy vodka. Not because it tastes like much of anything. Or, in fact, for exactly that reason.

In college, Skyy was a low priced vodka in a bottle that made it look a little cooler and more expensive. And in terms of mixing it with anything from pineapple juice to Diet Mountain Dew, it worked just fine. Thus, there were plenty of $9 fifths in my undergrad houses as I stumbled through the 2000s.

I haven’t had much since — as someone’s dad I am legally obligated to both buy the Costco vodka and then commiserate with other dads about how good it is — but seeing it in canned cocktail form did bring back fond memories. Would this spirit I always assumed was Swedish for some reason (it’s from California) live up to the low, but rose-colored expectations of terrible, dirt poor college cocktails?

Lemon and Elderflower: B-

It pours clear with a quickly fizzling head that suggests this is more seltzer than soda. The smell off the top is citrus with light floral notes. It’s not super appealing as a drink, but it is pleasant. Maybe a bit decorative hand soap-y for my taste, but that’s not really a concern.

The opening sip is extremely light, unveiling the 90 calories and four percent alcohol within. True to Skyy form there’s a hint of an impression that you’re dealing with vodka, but no impactful taste that swings the beverage in one direction or the other. The fruit is handled with a gentle touch — weirdly enough, the most lemon I get from this comes when I burp after a big sip.

The carbonation is light and there’s a slight sweetness that keeps this from veering into La Croix territory. Instead, you get minimal amounts of pretty much everything. A little vodka, a little lemon, a very little amount of elderflower. The end result is a refreshing summer drink that doesn’t really stand out. Then again, you can say that about most light beers, so here we are.

Lime & Mint: D

Let’s roll into mojito flavors, only without the rum. That’s not a cocktail I ever have more than once a year — if made poorly it tastes like you’re drinking a glass of toothpaste — but Skyy’s muted flavors could work well here.

The mint is the primary smell off the top of the pour, but it’s fairly muted. Stick your nose up to the can and you get the lime. Or, at least, the bready, citric acid lime flavor endemic to hard seltzers. Yay.

The flavors in this can are much stronger, pitting two powerful and abrasive tastes against each other. The vodka makes a token appearance, but this is a battle between mint and lime and no one is winning, least of all my taste buds. This tastes like it should be whitening my teeth as I sip it.

It’s not, so I cannot in good conscience recommend it. Gah.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

Nah, I’m good.

Canned Cocktail of the Week: Melograno tastes as good as it looks

Melograno’s got the prettiest can designs on the shelf. The cocktails themselves live up to that standard.

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

Seltzers aren’t the only things cutting into beer’s market share. Over time, the quality of premade cocktails has risen dramatically to bring another slim-fit can to shelves and chip away at light beer’s popularity.

Melograno isn’t a traditional cocktail thanks to its agave wine base, but it’s elbowing its way into that demographic with upscale offerings like Pomegranate Cosmopolitan and Orange Blossom Martini. The pitch is simple; these aren’t your typical High Noon vodka seltzers or your VMC tequila drinks. They’re low-calorie cocktails with a moderate ABV (five percent) aimed toward a crowd with a more discerning eye.

I mean, that’s pretty obvious from the labels themselves. These cans are gorgeous. They come in a sea of rich, glossy patterns like the wallpaper in the great room of a house you can’t afford. But I’m wary of a “blue agave wine specialty.” These typically come up short despite the promise of big flavor on limited calories.

Can they possibly be as good as they look?

Canned cocktail of the week: Tampico’s Hard Punches are boozy, sweet madness

A canned punch that tastes like the real thing — and will knock you on your butt.

If you’re like me, you recognize Tampico’s neon jugs of various fruit punches from end caps at your local, dirt cheap grocery store. Their beverages don’t have names so much as they have colors. Want a glass of thick pink? Hypercolor yellow? Concerning levels of blue?

Effectively, Tampico is the purple stuff Sunny Delight warned us about, and it’s wonderful. I still buy it occasionally as an adult, though in its sugar-substitute versions and generally cut with a fair amount of water. It’s still pretty damned sweet at that point, so you can imagine what we’re dealing with here if you’re new to the brand.

OK, so now lets take those big, sweet jugs of sugar water and add booze and a little carbonation to them. How’s it gonna turn out?

Like Sunny D before it, Tampico is the next brand to make the jump from the back of your childhood refrigerator and into canned cocktail form. Its slim cans ditch the neon lure of plastic jugs for a more sophisticated place on liquor store shelves. So can a budget fruit punch brand break into a snobbier world of hard seltzers and canned cocktails?

Beverage of the Week: Blake Lively’s Betty Booze rises above celebrity cocktails

Betty Booze goes harder than it had any right to.

Betty Booze is the confluence of two rising tides: canned cocktails and celebrity-helmed alcohol branding.

The slim-fit cans are an extension of Blake Lively’s Betty Buzz premium mixers, a logical jump from craft bottles of ginger beer to the mixed drinks in which they’re destined to wind up. The actress joins a crowded lineage of famous folks who’d like to get you drunk — a banner brought to the spotlight by Dan Aykroyd and Sammy Hagar a couple decades back and since carried by George Clooney, The Rock, Peyton Manning and, notably, Lively’s husband Ryan Reynolds.

Instead of branding a specific spirit, Lively’s opted to build her own cocktail line aimed at going above and beyond the 12-ounce hype machine of hard seltzers. Betty Booze is filled with the ingredients you’d find at an expensive speakeasy-inspired venue, ready to be made by a bartender with entirely too complex facial hair and arm garters. Thus, being able to drink them at home is already a point in their favor. Will they live up to their craft-inspired billing?

Beverage of the Week: Sammy Hagar’s canned cocktails don’t even go the speed limit

Hagar was a celebrity booze pioneer. His canned cocktails taste like they’re trapped in 2015.

Before there was Casamigos or Crystal Head or 818, there was Cabo Wabo.

The legend of Sammy Hagar isn’t limited to his vocal range or inability to drive without moving violations. He’s not just a rock mainstay but also a sigil of branding success.

Hagar arguably started the celebrity liquor trend, founding his Cabo Wabo restaurant in 1990 and then, a few years later, bottling and selling its signature house-blend tequila. He sold that off for a significant profit, and now he’s back in the game. Hagar once again is making booze. Sadly, there is no “Hagarmeister” brand extension to be found.

I’ve already covered how delightfully impressed I was by Santo, the tequila he co-branded alongside Guy Fieri. Today we’re talking up his line of canned cocktails and white rum. Will they reach the dizzying highs of his Diners, Drive-ins and Dives collaboration? Or will they be more Chickenfoot than Van Halen?

Beverage of the Week: Loverboy’s hard teas are easy summer drinks… except one

A new hard tea contender brings plenty of flavor at 90 calories per can. It’s not always a good thing.

The summer of 2023 has been the backdrop to a hard tea revival. Several new contenders have come after the shoddy throne upon which Twisted Tea proudly sits and watches monster truck rallies.

Sometime it’s worked well in a common sense mashup — see Arnold Palmer Spiked Half & Half’s debut back in April. Other times it’s been a bit of a mess, like how Jiant made a bunch of tea that tastes like white wine, somehow. Today we’re on to our third entry of the summer — Loverboy’s low calorie, slim can offerings.

Loverboy isn’t quite coming after Twisted Tea. At 90 calories per can it’s clear they’re pushing up against the hard seltzer marketplace. Advertising an all organic recipe list, sweetened with monk fruit, means its taking a more upscale approach to the concept. So did it pan out? Or are we going to regret trying to make hard tea a thing again?

Beverage of the Week: Two Roads’ canned cocktails might be even better than their beers

Two Roads’ beers might not be as good as I remember. Their tropical punch canned cockail, however, is thoroughly legit.

As someone with Rhode Island roots, I’m moderately invested in New England’s vibrant and occasionally ridiculous brewing scene. A region with its own IPA style that’s become a worldwide hit — seriously, every microbrewery in Denmark and Sweden seems to have its own NEIPA lurking and they’re all very close to getting it right — is a microcosm of the brewing landscape unto itself.

One of the landmarks on that horizon for the past decade has been Two Roads, a Connecticut-based brewer who has existed inside the fridges of my back-home beer snob friends for roughly the past decade (at least when they didn’t feel like dropping $27 for a four pack at Trillium). The Stratford brewery made an immediate impact in the region and grew into a reliable mid-tier company with good beers at a reasonable price. This is all I want in the world, so they became a staple of my trips back to the Ocean State.

But it’s been a while since I’ve been home to my land of hot weiners, baffling indignation and the interchangeable use of the words “kiiiiiiid” and “guy” like an old telegram would use “stop.” Was Two Roads still a heavy hitter? Would its foray into canned cocktails sap its efficacy in the beer world? I ordered a sampler; let’s find out.

Beverage of the week: Gosling’s canned Dark ‘n Stormys are wonderful… until you add fruit

Canned dark and stormies make sense, especially if Gosling’s is making them … until you add extra fruit.

I love a good dark and stormy. I’d never had the classic cocktail before a work trip to Bermuda, where it’s the national standby. Then, since rum, ginger beer and limes are easy to come by here in the states, it became a staple at home — a simple to make cocktail that doesn’t have more steps than a whiskey-and-Coke but feels significantly classier.

Gosling’s, maker of both rum and ginger beer, decided to streamline that process even further and jump into a crowded market of canned cocktails with its signature drink. Their Dark ‘n Stormys come in four different flavors: original, cherry, pineapple and mango. And because dark and stormies rule, I took it upon myself to try all four.

The good news? Gosling’s knows what it’s doing when it comes to the original. The bad news? Well, there isn’t much sense innovating when you’ve got a base model that’s just about perfect.