We all know, realistically, there are only a few destinations that make sense for Tom Brady should he choose not to come back to the New England Patriots.
But you know what? This is a once-in-a-career opportunity for the quarterback who has spent his entire career with the Pats. If he’s weighing where to go next, we’re here to help by ranking all the NFL franchises by an unscientific mix of on-the-field opportunity and off-the-field factors (family, weather, business), without mentioning if they have the cap space to get him. Maybe he wants to win one more ring. Maybe he wants to be closer to his family. Perhaps he’s tired of Boston winters.
So here’s our attempt to rank the teams he could sign with.
32. Washington Redskins
I don’t think going from Robert Kraft to Dan “Happy Thanksgiving even though I meant Happy New Year” Snyder would be Brady’s preference. Plus, the team is a mess.
31. Buffalo Bills
Not ideal weather if he’s spent all these years in New England, and Bills fans haven’t exactly treated him well when he comes to Buffalo.
30. Kansas City Chiefs
I think they’re just fine at QB at the moment, thank you very much. But they get bumped up because maybe Kansas City BBQ fits into the TB12 diet and this is Brady’s best shot at one more ring, even if it’s backing up Patrick Mahomes.
29. Baltimore Ravens
Okay, but hear me out here: Tom Brady comes in for a few plays a game, and he and Lamar Jackson run some kind of wild two-quarterback scheme, or Brady splits out …
Actually, scratch that one. And scratch this whole idea. Lamar Jackson is the reigning MVP and one heck of a quarterback.
28. Green Bay Packers
I keep harping on the weather thing, and there’s also Aaron Rodgers standing in his way.
27. Philadelphia Eagles
Another Northeast city with a rabid, sometimes very angry fanbase? If he’s leaving one of those, you’d have to imagine he doesn’t want to do that again.
26. Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson is a better QB than he is right now, so Brady would simply be doing this all game:
25. Atlanta Falcons
Wouldn’t you want to avoid the onslaught of 28-3 jokes that would result each and every week you play there? I wouldn’t mind but that’s because I would like to make those jokes on this website I write for.
24. Cincinnati Bengals
TOM AND JOE BURROW! WHAT A STORY! And also, what a headache. Brady doesn’t want to teach a kid. He wants to win. They’re only up here because at the very least, Brady would probably have a starting job temporarily.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars
Just … no.
22. Chicago Bears
Mitchell Trubisky gets a kick in the butt and probably gets beat out of a job. But Chicago gets cold, man.
21. New York Jets
Why aren’t they lower? Because New York City is the best (no bias here whatsoever!) and it would be the ultimate troll move to join the team you’ve repeatedly beat into the ground except that one time that led to this:
20. Detroit Lions
Uhhh … they might have an opening soon? But this is a football move right here: the Lions’ offensive weapons are much better than what Brady had this season. Plus, maybe he likes former Pats coach Matt Patricia.
19. Pittsburgh Steelers
It’s not up to me, but if I was a football player, I would LOVE to play for Mike Tomlin.
18. Houston Texans
It’s not up to me, but if I was Tom Brady, I would probably LOVE to play for my former quarterbacks coach, Bill O’Brien.
17. Cleveland Browns
Brady to Beckham! Baker Mayfield who? Also I hear Shaker Heights is a lovely place to live.
16. Denver Broncos
Hmm. This seems like a great idea even though Drew Lock looked good so far. John Elway might agree.
15. Arizona Cardinals
Former Patriots backup QB Kliff Kingsbury works here! And wouldn’t it pique Brady’s curiosity to play in an innovative offense like this one? I know, I know, Kyler Murray is there. Let me dream a little.
14. New York Giants
I stand by what I said about this previously: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Congratulations on your retirement, and a great career Eli! Not going to lie though, I wish you hadn’t won any Super Bowls.
— Tom Brady (@TomBrady) January 24, 2020
13. Las Vegas Raiders
I seriously don’t get why there’s all this buzz around Brady to the Raiders. Going from a stable franchise to one run by a guy who just wrenched them away from Oakland and stuck them in Vegas doesn’t seem ideal. And then going from Bill Belichick to Chucky? Meh.
12. Dallas Cowboys
As much as everyone wants to see the drama of Brady taking over for Dak Prescott, I wouldn’t want to deal with Jerry Jones in my ear every day. But the roster has some serious talent.
11. Carolina Panthers
We’re getting there. The Panthers offer some great weapons on offense.
10. Minnesota Vikings
Kirk Cousins does not like that. But is he really the QB who will take this perpetual contender over the top? Here comes TOM to save the day!
9. Los Angeles Rams
Maybe Sean McVay wants to stop having to squawk in the ear of Jared Goff before every snap and relinquish control. Plus, Los Angeles gets Brady closer to his family (more on that soon).
8. Miami Dolphins
The weather and the situation is really solid. I happen to think the Fins will be much better in the next couple of years with all their draft picks and cap room.
7. Tennessee Titans
I love this fit. The Titans don’t need to spend tons of money on Ryan Tannehill, the offense is good — Tom, all you have to do is hand the ball to Derrick Henry 25 times a game! — and they proved in the playoffs they can beat good teams. Plus, former Pats linebacker Mike Vrabel! Nashvegas! So much to love.
6. Indianapolis Colts
If my colleague Steven Ruiz says it’s the only team that makes sense, I tend to believe him. He’s right a lot.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Florida weather, a team with some intriguing pieces and Bruce Arians. An underrated combination.
4. New Orleans Saints
This is a placeholder for “what if Drew Brees retires?” The Saints would continue to be contenders, so that helps. Brady would have to fight the temptation of the food there, but he’s good at that.
3. New England Patriots
It’s simple: the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. If this was solely a football decision, I’d argue they might be lower with the lack of good weapons on offense … unless Jacobi Meyers and N’Keal Harry turn out to be good? But this isn’t just a football decision. There’s all the emotion and familiarity tied in.
2. San Francisco 49ers
It all lines up to near perfection here: the Niners fell short with Jimmy Garappolo, Brady’s former backup. They’re one quarterback away from returning to the Super Bowl, and it might be the guy who rooted for the Niners growing up and whose family is still in San Mateo, in the Bay Area.
1. Los Angeles Chargers
Why are they higher? Because there’s a spot wide open for Brady. Los Angeles gives him more business opportunities, and although he’s farther away from his family, he’s still in California, nearer than Boston. The Chargers have the offense to keep Brady happy — assuming the Bolts re-sign Melvin Gordon and Austin Ekeler, and perhaps tag tight end Hunter Henry, who could be Gronk-like? — and some good players on the other side of the ball.
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