Michael Rubin’s super-rich Fourth of July party actually just looked like a terrible cookout

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Somehow, yesterday on the Fourth of July, Joey Chestnut eating a quite literally unhealthy amount of hot dogs in 10 minutes wasn’t the most disgusting thing we saw on the internet.

If you logged on during the holiday, you probably saw the all-white party Fanatics CEO Michael Rubin threw in the Hamptons. The video is circulating everywhere on the internet right now.

There were so many celebrities. JAY-Z and Beyoncé, all the Kardashians and Jenners, Usher, Tom Brady, James Harden, Joel Embiid … really the entire Philadelphia 76ers team. Pick a name out of a celebrity influencer hat and that person was probably at the party.

And it was probably cool for our celebrity overlords. But, look: I’m just going to say it. Either this party was an elaborate rouse to bring James Harden back to Philadelphia, or it was just…not a good party. At least as far as Fourth of July parties go. This joint looked trash. There. I said it.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh. But I’m not just hating because I didn’t get an invite. My net worth isn’t even close to being able to go to something like this.

I’m just saying, man. There were hundreds of billions of dollars in net worth frolicking around and nobody thought “Yo, maybe we should pay somebody to grill?” Y’all couldn’t call anybody, Michael Rubin?

The only edible thing I saw in that video was a cake. CAKE. On the 4th of July. This is one of those holidays where eating meat is basically a requirement (if you eat meat). And all they had in that video was a cake. Yes, that’s the third time I’ve mentioned the cake. But I really need y’all to understand how big of a violation this is.

It’s the July 4th, man. I know Joey Chestnut ate all the hot dogs we had left in America, but couldn’t somebody have brought some ribs? It takes 10 minutes to whip up a cheeseburger. Michael Rubin could’ve put SOMEBODY on slider duty.

But nope. Nobody had a speck of ketchup or barbeque sauce on their clothes. There wasn’t anybody with an apron on in some Jesus sandals next to a burning fire. At least they had fireworks, I guess? But bruh. Come on. Not a single one of y’all was hungry? I don’t get it.

Maybe when you’re that rich you don’t feed off of food anymore. Maybe it’s just the money that keeps one satiated. If that’s the case, though, I think I’ll just stay a broke boy for the rest of my life.

I love cheeseburgers too much for that.