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Look, we know you all love NFL mock drafts. We know this because we very intently track everything you click on as if our very livelihoods depend on it, because they do.
But it has gotten out of control! There are too many mock drafts. All seven rounds. With trades. The ones done by fan sites where the fourth-rated edge rusher mysteriously falls to the third round because, well, that would be rad.
We’re two weeks out from the real NFL Draft taking place in Vegas, and I’m 100 percent expecting us to see ever-more ludicrous mock ideas in the coming days. Such as:
- NFL Mock Draft: Jerry Jones falls asleep watching ‘Draft Day’ on his yacht, forcing the first mate of the ship to make all Dallas’ picks, resulting in the first good Cowboys draft of this century
- NFL Mock Draft: Les Snead gives up entirely on the idea of adding young players through this antiquated system, trades all his picks for a sandwich and takes the Lombardi Trophy to the beach for the entire weekend
- NFL Mock Draft: You know there are 7 rounds but, hear me out, what if there were 14? Here are the picks. No, seriously, I have watched so much film. I know so much. Please look at this. I am smart.
What if we just … stopped all of this next year? Have a little reset? Give ourselves some time to rethink how much energy we’re putting into predicting the future?
(Yes, I know many 2023 mock drafts already exist; just go with me here.)
I hate to be the one to tell you this — and, frankly, I’m not the one telling you this; your entire existence has told you this — but: you don’t get to know the future!
Humans have been trying to figure out what comes next for all of time. Oracles, horoscopes, fortune tellers, shady newsletters aimed at seniors telling them which investments will definitely pay off, wink. It’s all very futile.
We just spent a decent part of our offseason wondering whether Tom Brady, the 199th pick in 2000, would continue the greatest career of all time. This dude gets drafted 70 picks AFTER you stopped pretending to care and headed out to mow the lawn, then goes and wins MORE SUPER BOWLS THAN ANY NFL FRANCHISE.
Why are you acting like you or anyone else can decode any of this? Are you hypnotized by Mel Kiper’s hair?
I live near Baltimore, where former Washington Vice President of Football Operations Vinny Cerrato now talks about football on the radio. This time of year, he does individual player breakdowns heading into the draft.
These are masterpieces. Vinny’s voice fills to brimming. So much passion! His cadence takes on the driving patter of an enthralled poet. He’s a priest reaching the heart of his sermon just as the sun breaks over the horizon on Easter morning. He goes through everything: Combine numbers, college production, Senior Bowl impressions, what the player does with his hips (there’s a lot of hip talk.) Always, I am transfixed when Vinny gets into this mode.
And, also always, it is just total blather — a semi-educated guess, at best. Nobody knows. Nobody can know. This isn’t math and it most certainly isn’t art. Vinny, who was very bad at drafting when he was paid lucratively to actually draft, watched seven minutes of film on each of these guys, talked to some buddies in the NFL and college worlds, jotted some notes and then went and thought about his kids, or crab cakes, or whatever, as he should, because … nobody knows.
All the while this whole exercise treats young men starting their professional careers like commodities, setting unrealistic expectations based on incomplete-at-best evaluations that are completely void of any information gleaned via the real, sustained human-to-human interaction that any person would actually need to even come close to having a sincere, meaningful thought about whether or not another person might succeed in the future.
Anyway. Look for our first 2023 mock approximately 12 minutes after the world saddles the last pick of the 2022 draft with the name Mr. Irrelevant!
Quick hits: Consensus mock draft… Turns out it’s windy in Chicago… Albert Pujols runs bases worse than the kids on my Little League team… And more.
— Come on, you knew I’d give you a mock draft to look at.
— If only there had been some sort of warning that playing baseball in Chicago in April might be difficult to do.
— I admire the audacity, Albert. May we all carry the same spirit into this Friday. Run like no one is watching, even though all nine opponents most definitely are!
— Patrick Beverley got fined $30,000 for ripping the Clippers and something tells me he is not bothered by this at all.
— Tom Brady and Elon Musk shared some jokes on Twitter and … well, it’s been a semi-decent run, humanity. Let’s pack it up.