How to survive the Iron Bowl if your significant other is an Alabama fan

There are many households that are divided between Auburn and Alabama. Here are some tips for surviving the Iron Bowl.

Are you an Auburn fan who has fallen in love with an Alabama fan? Are you also worried about watching the Iron Bowl with your significant other this weekend? If you checked both of those boxes then you’re in the right place to receive some novice advice.

Hi, I’ve been dating an Alabama fan for about 11 months now and this weekend marks our first Iron Bowl spent together. Being the rabid Auburn fan that I am, I will attempt to be on my best behavior and therefore I have devised a plan that is guaranteed to keep everyone around you sane.

1. Locate a safe space after something negative happens

Find a nice spot where you can walk away from the television and sulk in peace. This way nobody can view your sorrow as a sign of weakness and you can gather your composure in private. You can also meditate there. My go-to safe space? The bathroom or outside.

2. Locate a safe space after something positive happens

Quickly run to your designated safe space to do a celebratory dance and thank Auburn Jesus to avoid creating any tension.

3. Relieve your stress

Top stress relievers in this situation are: being your own bartender, petting a dog, confiding in another resident Auburn fan, squeezing a stress toy, pacing the floor, listening to your favorite song, or snacking.

4. Establish a recovery hobby

This is in case the game gets embarrassing and you can’t bear to watch it any longer. My favorite recovery hobby is to light candles, dance to my favorite Southern Rock playlist on Spotify, and pretend like time is not real. Other people prefer baking, playing cards, gardening, or exercising.

5. Tape

How can you possibly say something bad if your mouth is covered?

6. Shakers and hats

I’ve been using shakers and hats to avoid watching Gus Malzahn run plays out of the shotgun formation in short yardage situations for seven years now. If it works for me it’ll work for you too.

7. Earplugs or headphones

This is to avoid listening to Gary Danielson. Plug in Andy Burcham and the Auburn Sports Network to use as a coping mechanism. The Auburn University commercials are soothing, they’re mostly about Gymnastics tickets and the Veterinary and Business schools.

8. Watch the game in separate rooms

By doing this you can skip steps 1-7.

9. Go to sleep

Oh man, this is one of my favorite hobbies ever. If you sleep through the Iron Bowl then yes you are lame but you also avoid all of the problems that come along with watching the game such as stress, high blood pressure, etc.

10. Make sure you have other Auburn fans around you

Nobody wants to be outnumbered especially in this situation. You have to have an orange and blue comrade on standby. Fellow Auburn fans will be the only people to comfort you because every other Alabama fan including your significant other absolutely hates Auburn because we peed in their College Football Playoff cereal last year. If there isn’t another Auburn fan around you (pandemic problems) make sure you have an Auburn friend on speed dial.

11. Remember the big picture

An Alabama fan has decided to accept you and all of your Auburn-ness even if that means you don’t get along well for one day of the year. There’s still 364 other days where you can co-exist somewhat in peace.

Well, there you have it. Eleven steps to make sure you and your Alabama significant other survive this year’s Iron Bowl. As an Auburn fan remember it is imperative to make sure that your heart and mind are healthy enough to watch Auburn football. Prepare accordingly.