Not Sports But Whatever – Syndication Server

Red Bull’s new winter flavors including Red Bull Zero are here. Are they any good?

Zero uses monk fruit to make the classic a bit healthier. Iced Vanilla Berry heads in a different direction.

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

Red Bull set the pace for energy drinks in the United States nearly three decades ago. But as competitors emerged, so did the pressure to branch out.

The Austrian caffeine merchant has stepped up to fend off the Monsters and C4s of the world. After years of a single flavor that effectively defined what energy drinks tasted like, it’s since expanded its portfolio to a spectrum of flavors. Last summer’s watermelon and strawberry apricot were hits. Now, in the winter of 2025, comes Red Bull Zero — a five calorie sugar-free version sweetened with monk fruit — and Iced Vanilla Berry.

Let’s see if they can live up to the Red Bull standard (of tasting pretty good but also undeniably like Red Bull).

Zero: A-

It pours with the familiar, crushed up Smarties smell vital to the Red Bull experience. It fizzes quickly before settling to a small, steady current of tiny bubbles moving skyward navigating a maze of ice. So far, there’s nothing to suggest this is any different than your typical can.

The first taste is typical Red Bull flavor. Sweet, slightly tart and with an acidic finish that makes it easy to keep coming back to. There’s a bit of sugar-substitute stickiness that clocks in toward the end. I don’t know if I’d notice it if I didn’t know this was a five calorie energy drink, but it does make a minor difference. The monk fruit clocks in just enough to bend things toward a softer, less crisp finish.

It’s a little stronger out of the can, which makes the swap to sugar-ish ingredients less obvious — and is probably how the majority of folks are going to drink it anyway. It’s not quite as good as the real thing, but the trade off is minimal. You’re getting significantly fewer calories and may not be able to tell the difference if it weren’t printed on the aluminum in front of you.

The end result is a pure expression of the energy drink flavor that started it all. With that taken care of, let’s see how this winter’s newest zero calorie flavor tastes.

Iced Vanilla Berry: B

This pours a lovely shade of light Windex blue. I understand that sounds like criticism, but I assure you it’s not. I want my blue drinks to look like a raspberry Jolly Rancher at all times. This pleases me.

It smells tart and sweet and a lot like the aforementioned blue razz that dominated my childhood. Putting it to my lips unlocks… a lot. There’s a bunch of flavor to wade through here, from the acidic Red Bull foundation to that hard candy raspberry to a sweet, sometimes combative vanilla. There’s something incredibly familiar with it (beyond the typical Red Bull sting) that I can’t quite figure out.

It’s dry and a little sour and undoubtedly an energy drink. I’m not sure I like it but I keep coming back to it. It’s like a blue raspberry Warhead that’s spent some time on the shelf. It’s not quite pucker-face sour, but you have to get through a little bit of acid to get to a sweet finish that’s ultimately nice enough.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Red Bull Zero or Iced Vanilla Berry over a cold can of Hamm’s?

I’m beginning to think this metric isn’t perfect for non-alcoholic drinks. But yes, I’d say Red Bull holds up well on the scale from zero to Hamm’s.

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Countdown’s THC energy drinks taste fine, but don’t make much sense

The flavors aren’t great. The caffeine isn’t enough to keep me awake. But the THC is nice!

You wouldn’t think THC and caffeine go together. And you’d be right.

At least that’s how it works for me. The 2018 advent of federally legal cannabis products derived from hemp means there’s been a sweeping wave of new products that deliver weed-like effects. For me, that’s been a series of pleasant buzzes that usher me off to sleep, quieting my nighttime anxiety and blurring the lines between actual thoughts and impending REM cycles.

Adding caffeine to the mix is an interesting concept. In theory, it should replicate that gentle brain disassociation without hitting you like a melatonin. If cannabis is really gunning to replace beer — and as a lighter option with fewer confirmed health risks, that’s not a bad idea — it needs to have a little replay value. It needs to be something you can sip over three hours of a football or hockey game.

That’s Countdown’s aim. The company isn’t the only one to mix up a weed-adjacent energy drink, but it was one of the first to slide into a burgeoning marketplace. So can it create a balanced buzz that keeps you alert and ready to face the day? And, just as importantly, does it taste any good?

Orange Blast: C-

This pours with a ton of quick-moving carbonation and the distinct smell you’re not dealing with a regular energy drink. There’s some citrus in there — the first impression is orange juice — before you get that minor earthy, weed-y note that reminds you there’s 10 milligrams of THC inside.

That holds true in the first sip. There’s a definite THC influence that isn’t covered up by the seltzer inside the way brands like Cann or Nowadays have done. It’s not terrible or distracting, but it is noticeable, particularly against a light current of orange flavor.

Countdown definitely leans toward “caffeinated sparkling water” than “energy drink” when it comes to taste. It’s dry and not especially sweet even though “invert sugar” is the second ingredient on the can. There’s very little that stands out here; without the bubbles you’d think maybe it was the watered-down remains of a screwdriver or another orange juice-related cocktail.

On the other hand, you’re not drinking this for taste, you’re drinking it to see if you can get woken up and a little buzzed at the same time. After 30 minutes I don’t feel especially energized but I do feel like my edges are getting a little fuzzier. I’m more prone to spacing out, then snapping back and asking myself “now what the hell was I trying to do?” And I’m probably more likely to take a nap than attack the day.

It’s also left me with a dry mouth, even while drinking it, which is at least a little weird. The THC is working, but not much else.

Berry Force: C

I’m drinking this one at 9 p.m. to see which wins out; THC’s ability to make me sleepy or caffeine’s ability to wake me up. This pours with plenty of bubbles and a scent that’s halfway between weed and blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers. Like the work desk of a 28-year-old high school English teacher.

That sweetness distinguishes this from the Orange Blast. It doesn’t quite cover up the THC taste, but it does create a softer aftertaste that’s less bitter than the last can. That fake-sugar feeling takes the edge off the bubbles to leave you with a sloppier sip. It also lingers a little bit too long for my liking.

The berry flavor is familiar but largely underwhelming. It’s got a Fruit Stripe gum quality that brings it on strong before quickly fading to nothing but fizzling sugar. Again, I feel a little more tired than energized. We’ll see if this keeps me awake.

Update: It did not. But I did wake up around 3 am without being able to fall back asleep. Admittedly, that’s not entirely uncommon.

Cosmic Lemonade: B

This smells like bottled lemonade; tart and potent but not especially fresh. There’s a slight earthiness to it, but nothing that gives away the THC underneath.

It’s also the best tasting of the three Countdown options. It’s sparkling lemonade, which is always a little bit weird, but there’s a pleasant sweet/sour balance that makes it easy to drink. There’s also something a little more than lemon in here. I can’t quite place it, and maybe it’s just the sugar, but there’s some depth to this citrus — maybe a little light orange flavor? — that makes it stand out.

The carbonation works well here, teaming with that tart citrus to leave a dry, slightly bitter aftertaste to chase away the initial sweetness. This is easy to drink where other Countdowns felt like a chore. There’s flavor and a little complexity here, creating a balance I kinda wish the other cans had.

Like the other Countdown cans, this one has made me more sleepy than energetic.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Countdown over a cold can of Hamm’s?

I might drink it at night to help me sleep, but the energy side does nothing for me. The flavors are underwhelming. In the budding marketplace of THC drinks, Countdown fails to stand out.

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Silent Pool gin is pretty and a little basic (but it works)

A big, pretty bottle and a slightly-too-sweet gin.

Is gin an underrated spirit? It doesn’t have the accolades or acolytes of whiskey or tequila. It lacks the versatility of mix-in-anything vodka.

It’s distinct and rich and feels innately British, owing back to its ubiquitous presence in England three centuries ago. But in terms of alcohol, it’s the NHL to the other big four American men’s sports leagues — rewarding, but not as popular as the rest.

I’m guilty of overlooking it, in part because the first bottle I ever bought was Seagram’s gin and my dumb college student brain had nothing to mix or chase it with but milk (it was an… unpleasant evening). But the fact remains gin is a refreshing spirit, if a bit of an acquired taste, with an impressive depth of botanical flavors and cocktail flexibility.

MORE BEVERAGE OF THE WEEK: A review of Snoop Dogg’s Gin & Juice canned cocktails

With Silent Pool, I ignored that last piece and drank it the way I drink 95 percent of my gin. I mixed it with tonic and a little citrus in what’s a perfect, simple mixed drink. Let’s see if this relatively new entry to an old spirit’s portfolio is any good.

With Badger tonic and a lime: B

Let’s start with the obvious. This glass is [expletive] ridiculous. Silent Pool sent it with the sample bottle and I’d never used it before tonight. I want to say you could fit a proper 24 ounces in there, which is generally not how I process gin but, hell, I live in Wisconsin. I accept your challenge, fancy liquor.

I’m rolling with Badger mixers, an upscale paved road to deliver your booze in smooth cocktails. My review didn’t cover the tonic, but I have high hopes. Well, as high as you can get for a basic mixer like tonic.

It smells and looks like every other gin and tonic I’ve ever had; effervescent, light and citrusy. Fortunately, I poured this heavy so I get a proper Silent Pool experience. It’s potent, but sweet. There’s a strong floral component, but nothing that makes you feel like you’re blending your way through a shrub. That sugary finish keeps it from having the kind of dry experience you’d get from your established old school gins (Bombay, Beefeater, etc).

It makes a solid complement to a sour cocktail. I wouldn’t mind if it were a bit drier — it’s not quite as refreshing as I’d like, but that sweetness makes it very easy to drink, especially on a hot day. I imagine. I’m drinking this in December.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

In the summer, on a warm day I’ll detour to a fresh gin and tonic. Silent Pool is a bit sweeter than I’d prefer, but it’s a flavorful gin that makes a solid cocktail.

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What’s open on Christmas 2024? A guide to restaurants (McDonald’s), grocery stores and more

A look at some of the stores and restaurants that might be open on Christmas.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all!

We hope you’re enjoy the day, but if you’re here, you’re probably looking for a guide to what’s open on Christmas Day, which is usually when a lot of businesses are closed.

BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS: The 10 best of all time

But there are some that stay open on December 25, and this is where we caution you: Please check with your local restaurants, grocery stores and pharmacies. Some of these locations might have limited hours.

Got it? Good. Here’s a list of some of the notable places that are reportedly open on Christmas in 2024, grouped by categories:

What restaurants and fast food places are open on Christmas Day 2024?

Again, check for their hours by location!

McDonald’s
IHOP
Applebee’s
Red Lobster
Fogo de Chao
Burger King
Denny’s
Waffle House
Wendy’s

Will Starbucks and Dunkin’ be open on Christmas?

Some Dunkin’ and Starbucks are open, but may have limited hours and some locations may be closed. Check before you head out.

Which pharmacies are open on Christmas 2024?

CVS will be open but may have reduced hours (check your local store)
Most Walgreens pharmacies will be closed, but 24-hour locations and others may be open
Rite Aid will be closed

Which grocery stores will be open on Christmas 2024?

As we keep saying, check your local store!

Acme
Albertsons
Vons
Safeway

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Here’s why 3.5 million people in Japan buy KFC for dinner on Christmas day

I know it sounds weird but there’s a good reason for this!

When you think about a good Christmas dinner, what do you think of?

For most people, it’s probably a nice ham and some dressing to go along with it. For others? It’s probably a nice turkey. Thanksgiving part 2, right?

For millions of people in Japan, the perfect Christmas dinner is a good meal from KFC.

Yup. You’re reading that correctly.

Business booms every year for KFC on Christmas Day. Instead of going the turkey route, folks are opting for Kentucky Fried Chicken, according to BBC.

There’s a good reason for this — besides KFC’s pretty great chicken sandwich (IMO, better than Popeye’s joint, but that’s another conversation for another day).

Christmas isn’t a traditional holiday in Japan, according to BBC. Only 1 percent of the population is reportedly Christian and celebrates the holiday. But expatriates who live in the country opt for KFC as the closest

Here’s more from the BBC.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DD9ulzdhH7c/?igsh=dHJqcTd4a3diNjQ1

So there you have it. Sounds like a pretty good dinner to me.

Where is Santa? How to use the NORAD Santa Tracker on Christmas Eve 2024

Here’s how to find the Santa Tracker from NORAD.

It’s Christmas Eve 2024, and so if you’re trying to find out where Santa Claus is in the world, NORAD — that’s the North American Aerospace Defense Command — is here as usual to help you out.

NORAD has a specific website with its annual Santa Tracker: it’s at NoradSanta.org, and it comes with a phone number too (877 HI-NORAD). And here’s the handy link to their live camera that shows where he and his reindeer are in the world, along with the growing number of gifts he delivers.

There you go! Happy holidays and enjoy. And if you need some history of why NORAD does this, here’s a video with that answer:

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Suerte’s canned tequila cocktails are basic in a good way

Except for the ranch water, which is 33 percent too simple.

In the land of canned cocktails, tequila is crown regent.

There’s something about the agave-based spirit that seems to adjust to aluminum preservation better than whiskey, vodka or gin. Maybe it’s the brighter mixers that tend to accompany these cocktails. Zesty citrus travels well, and in a simple drink like a margarita or paloma it’s allowed to shine a little more brightly than in a more complex beverage.

Either way, tequila makes for an easy to-go drink. Suerte saw this as an opportunity — a way to bring its tequila to new audiences while highlighting how it mixes. Each of the company’s three canned cocktails features its tequila blanco, clocking in at a line-straddling balance between hard seltzer and high gravity at seven percent alcohol by volume (ABV).

I’m not super familiar with Suerte, but I’m happy to give it a try. Let’s see how it turns out.

Margarita: A-

It pours with a little more effervescence than you’d expect from a margarita, but that’s a feature, not a bug in the world of canned cocktails. It smells strong. The first whiff off the top is buttery tequila blanco. Even though it’s only seven percent ABV, it feels heavier.

Fortunately, the first sip leans in a different direction. The tequila is prevalent, but not overwhelming. Instead, the headliner is crisp, tart lime. This isn’t citric acid, which leaves a bready aftertaste behind. This is the real thing, which gives the impression of a fresh made cocktail. That tartness fights with the agave nectar a bit, releasing a sweet-and-sour braid that serves as the barge that floats the Suerte tequila along.

That tequila is clean and tasty, a light rush of baked agave and minor hints of spice. By those powers combined, you get a refreshing, easy to sip canned cocktail that offers something poundable for someone looking for a quick pre-game drink and a little complexity for someone looking for something to drink over the course of a half hour.

It loses a bit of its charm out of the can — pouring it over ice allows the lime and tequila to shine a bit brighter. Sipping from that aluminum is more of a “B” experience. But with a little preparation this is an A- cocktail — not quite elite, but pretty dang good.

Paloma: B

It pours a faint pink and smells both boozy and juicy. At 160 calories you’re getting a little more natural juice than your typical slim can cocktail and a noticeable uptick in booze at seven percent compared to the usual five. There’s a certain amount of… I guess for me it’s chewable vitamin vibes that come with the smell of canned grapefruit. It’s not my favorite, but it’s not a bad thing.

The first sip starts strong and finishes sweet. The grapefruit is pleasantly balanced between sweet and sour like the lime in the margarita before it. The tequila is notable but not harsh, imbuing the cocktail with a healthy amount of agave, though it could be a little more flavorful. There’s even a dry finish; nothing compared to a salted rim, but enough to snap off each sip after it leaves your tongue.

There’s nothing about it that really stands out. It’s just a solid, simple cocktail — bubble water, grapefruit, tequila. It’s dry but crushable. Strong but not overpowering. Clean and crisp. A perfectly cromulent drink.

Ranch Water: C+

There are only two ingredients here, carbonated water and tequila blanco. Not even a squeeze of lime! Well, it smells as boozy as you’d expect. It’s bubbly, light tequila after all.

And, yep, that’s all it is. The tequila is solid enough. It’s tangy and a little sweet. It doesn’t burn despite the ramp up to seven percent ABV. It’s simple and moderately low calorie (120) and totally fine. It’s not my cup of tea, but it’s not a problem either.

I kinda wish I had a lime. But no, no, this is fine. It’s fine.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

The margarita for sure. The paloma isn’t too bad either, though it wouldn’t be the first thing I reach for in the fridge. The ranch water wasn’t my style, but it was well made even if I was looking for a bit more flavor.

Breckenridge’s Christmas Ale doesn’t taste very festive, just malty and pretty dang drinkable

Plus, Shock Top’s Twisted Pretzel … is makin’ me thirsty.

December is the perfect time for a spiced beer. Like most of Christmas-time’s indulgences, it’s rich, vaguely unhealthy and a little overwhelming. These beers aren’t anytime beers, even if they still hold up for a bottle or two come March. They’re best consumed slowly recovering from eating a dozen reindeer-shaped sugar cookies on a couch, testing the limits of how far your stomach can stretch.

My go-to in the category is Great Lakes’ Christmas Ale; a beer so good it effectively stopped me from looking for other examples. Milwaukee Brewing Company’s Plowed In winter ale hit the spot as well, but their beers have exited the circle of trust since their buyout. Either way, there’s an issue here. Costco doesn’t sell either of these in five-liter kegs.

Breckenridge, however, is a December staple between bulk underpants and rotisserie chickens across the concrete floors of America’s finest warehouse retailer. The Colorado-based brewer has several recognizable beers, but their Christmas Ale extends the biggest reach — it’s too seasonal to be a flagship ale, but it’s unmistakable on liquor and oversized shopping store aisles alike.

Is it worth dropping $15 to $20 on a little keg that holds roughly 15 beers? Let’s find out.

Oh, and let’s see is Shock Top’s Twisted Pretzel Ale is any good, too. Tis the season, after all.

Breckenridge Christmas Ale: B+

It pours a dark caramel with a slow-forming head that rises up to about a quarter of an inch before slowly receding to a thin tan line. It’s all malt coming off the top of the pour with a little bit of allspice and maybe some nutmeg toward the end. That’s awesome for me; I love a malty beer. It’s not exactly what I’m used to from a Christmas Ale, but I’m not about to complain.

That malt remains the headliner, creating a dense but ultra smooth sip carried away by carbonation that isn’t quite crisp but very notable. It gives way to a little pale hoppiness. Nothing is bitter, but it is a bit bready.

The spices you’d expect aren’t there. That’s a bit of a bummer for a holiday ale, but it doesn’t stop the beer from succeeding. It drinks much lighter than its 7.1 percent alcohol by volume suggests. It’s still a heavier beer, owing to that density, but at no point does it feel like more of a chore than your average lager.

Without those spices, it’s very replayable. The roasted malt makes it better for colder months, but there isn’t anything especially festive. It’s just a well made beer that does a great job with the flavors I like most from my brews.

That said, a littttttle spice wouldn’t hurt fulfill the promise of the “Christmas” in big letters on the front of the bottle.

Shock Top Twisted Pretzel: B+

Speaking of malty things you’d find at Oktoberfest, here’s Shock Top’s newest seasonal. Pretzels and beer are a no brainer combination, and a wheat beer is an easy palette to drop some salty, doughy goodness into. Shock Top isn’t exactly a favorite of mine — I think the last time I had it was as a $2 beer in grad school — but I’ll admit you could do much, much worse at your local draft house.

It pours a color true to its inspiration, dark brown with a white ring of foam that lingers at the top. It smells — wow — salty. A bit like a pretzel but more like bar popcorn. If you closed your eyes and someone placed this in front of you, you’d think it was some moderately fresh kernels hastily scooped into a paper boat. I’ve never smelled a beer like this and, honestly, it’s kinda great.

The first sip is malt and salt and sweet and, hot damn I do not know why or how but it works. This is a weird beer that leaves behind a true pretzel aftertaste. It’s dry and, in the spirit of Cosmo Kramer, feels meant to leave you thirsty. But it’s bready and light at the same time, making it extremely drinkable for a darker ale.

It’s a nice effect to wash away the pale wheat that opens each sip. Instead of a lemon, you get a different kind of bar staple. It’s toasty and unique and, man, this was a weird swing that really worked out for Shock Top. Like the Breckenridge there isn’t much to set it off as a holiday seasonal, but it stands out nonetheless.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

Yeah, I could mix these two into my routine without issue. Neither will supplant Great Lakes atop my Christmas beer wishlist, but that’s just because I do like those festive spices a few times per year. Both the Christmas Ale and Twisted Pretzel offer more replay value in warmer months. The latter in particular feels like a fun fall beer for here on out.

Berczy’s spiked teas don’t really taste like tea, but still work out OK

Berczy does a great job of hiding its booze content, but the result doesn’t always taste like tea.

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

It was a little strange when Berczy waded into the hard seltzer market. This was a brand that prided itself on its London roots despite the fact that, well, why would we care about a London-based White Claw? It’s not like the British Isles are known for their commitment to fizzy water.

Tea, on the other hand? OK, that makes waaaaay more sense. I trust someone in Great Britain to know the hell out of what makes a good tea and how to booze it up properly.

That’s the Venn diagram in which Berczy is trying to land square in the middle. That’s a delicate balance, especially for a company whose seltzers were reasonable, but not great. Tea provides a softer backdrop capable of covering up some of the flaws laid bare by the brand’s uninspired flavors.

Does it work?

Lemon tea: C+

It pours with a stage whiskey color and little carbonation thanks to the promise of “gentle bubbles” on the can. It smells like lemon tea but there’s no denying the vodka lurking underneath. It’s not overpowering, but it’s more noticeable than your typical High Noon vodka soda. At 7 percent ABV, that makes sense.

The tea itself is sharp and tart. The lemon is a bit overpowering, coming off right from the first sip and lingering for a decent while after it’s cleared your throat. The tea is minimal; it’s a low current that staggers underneath but never really stands out on its own. The finish itself is a bit stale and dry, but nothing that would turn you away from it.

That leaves this stuck between sour lemonade and tea. It’s easy enough to drink and doesn’t feel especially boozy. There’s a bit of a disconnect since the lemon is so sharp, but it’s still fine.

You could crush a few of these at a tailgate, especially on a warm day. But if you’re looking for tea you may be disappointed.

Peach tea: B-

There’s way more fizz involved here, which makes me think maybe my lemon can was maybe a little more dinged up than I realized. The scent off the top is straight peach gummy rings with a solid iced tea imprint. On those merits alone, it seems like an easier sell than the lemon tea, which was decent but unusual. All I’d like from this is big, dumb sweet tea flavors and a decent supply of booze.

Once again the fruit flavor is the headliner on the first sip. The peach is easier to drink than the lemon, owing to its sweetness rather than a sour profile.

The bubbles leave little to snack on once you take a swig, but that’s a benefit with a tea rather than a bug. Toward the end of each sip you get a little bit of that vodka, but nothing close to a burn. Instead, it’s a soft reminder we’re dealing with adult iced tea.

That tea does clock in a little more notably than in the lemon flavor, even if it’s still not as obvious as I’d like. The sweetness of the peach leaves you with a sloppier finish than the dry lemon, but the aftertaste is minimal and fades quickly. It’s a little worse over ice — watering down that flavor, coincidentally, tends to bring out more of the vodka flavor — but again, it’s drinkable.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

There’s something to be said about the extra booze here and how well Berczy covers it up. Their hard teas are a weird mix, but never an unpleasant one. I’d have one of these at a tailgate, sure. But I’d switch back to Hamm’s soon after.

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Red Bull’s sugar free watermelon and strawberry apricot are simple energy drink perfection

No, it doesn’t taste like fresh fruit. Which is exactly what I want from my energy drinks.

I was a little afraid of Red Bull at first. Granted, this was 2002 and I’d just been diagnosed with a heart murmur that kept me from running cross country in college (not anywhere good, mind you). There was a concern, in the back of my brain, that the caffeine could short circuit me, lead to palpitations, whatever.

This was, of course, silly. Red Bull may have pioneered the energy drink marketplace, but it’s not excessively energetic. Its 80 milligrams of caffeine per can feels quaint next to the 300 milligram payloads of competitors like Rockstar or C4, though those come in a larger serving size.

This shifted my concern about Red Bull elsewhere; to its calorie content. In my early 20s I traded regular Coke for Diet Coke, understanding I no longer had the metabolism to fire down a pound of sugar each day without spilling over the top of my cargo pants or stretching the limits of whatever already-thin 1980s-era t-shirt I’d happened to find at the thrift store that week. Red Bull only had one sugar-free option for a long time, and it was in the classic, ground-up SweetTarts flavor.

Finally, there is rain in that desert. Red Bull debuted new sugar-free options this summer, a standby energy drink flavor (watermelon) and a new twist I haven’t seen before (strawberry apricot). Together, they promise a coffee-adjacent jolt without the shame of dropping four Splendas into a cup.

So do these new, fancier Red Bulls reinvent the genre? Or are they the artificial tasting, slightly acidic and totally poundable monsters we’ve come to love and appreciate? Or are they, in fact, bad?

Well, only one way to find out.

Watermelon: A

It smells and looks exactly like you’d expect a watermelon energy drink; like candy and neon red. There’s obviously value in having flavors that are true to the source, but when it comes to jump-starting my day with caffeine and taurine I’m not looking for organic garden flavors. I want a drink that tastes like someone blended up a bunch of sour gummies.

Red Bull thoroughly crushes it on that metric. The sweetness here is full bodied despite the reliance on sugar substitutes. There’s a gentle acidic tartness that snaps that off before it gets overpowering, leaving you a nice balance that keeps you coming back for more.

That’s sorta all there is to it. The carbonation helps enhance that balance between sweet and sour. It’s exactly what I’d hoped.

Strawberry Apricot: A-

A new challenger emerges! Apricot is a terribly underserved fruit in the beverage business — especially one that constantly tries to make passion fruit a thing even though it tastes like old rubber.

This also smells and pours familiar — though instead of candy, this is strawberry Fanta all the way. The bright pink liquid is both troubling and reassuring, and I gotta hand it to whichever food scientists handled the dyes for this round of sugar free drinks. They look awesome.

The taste, like the smell, is much more strawberry forward than apricot. But you do get that peach-adjacent flavor toward the end, adding a nice twist at the end of a simple sip. There’s no mitigating citric acid here to balance things out, so you get sweet-on-sweet before there’s a little bit of earthy apricot to round things out.

I drank the watermelon and strawberry apricot back-to-back on a coffee-less morning and honestly feel kinda great. 160 milligrams of caffeine is my sweet spot — enough to brighten my eyes, not enough to discount another energy drink or Coke or whatever later on.

I’m not sure it qualifies as “wings,” but I’m less tired and not jittery. I just feel like I got the extra hour of sleep I missed out on when I woke up at 4 am to think about whether or not my high school crush ever liked me back and I was just too oblivious to notice it.

I think the answer is that she did. I’ll never know. Drink Red Bull.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Red Bull’s new sugar free flavors over a cold can of Hamm’s?

I’d drink it on the way to the tailgate to ensure I’m alert for the eight Hamm’s I’m about to drink before UW-Platteville and Wartburg kick off, I can tell you that much.