Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
Canned cocktails are a full-fledged capital-T Thing right now, which as a lazy, lazy man is great news for me. Unfortunately, too many drinks that look like properly mixed sippers are merely pretenders. For example, Jack Daniel’s and El Jimador have their own spiked cans out there, neither of which contain a drop of their signature spirits within.
Fortunately, usurpers to the crown abound. Austin Cocktails, based in the heart of Texas (where the stars at night are big and bright, I’m told), has emerged from that crowded landscape with a handful of potent, unique recipes that promise bespoke-style drinks 8.4 ounces at a time. Are they any good? Can they outshine a macro-brewed malt beverage? Let’s find out.
Cucumber Vodka Mojito: B
First, an admission. This isn’t my first time drinking one of these. I crushed one in the walk from the parking lot to the Miller Park gates to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates but an honest to god beating on the NL Central champion Milwaukee Brewers. All I really remember from that is that it was easy to drink and a proper way to play catch-up after getting caught in traffic on the way out from Madison.
Cracking the can unleashes a wave of mint that carries a mild toothpaste vibe to it. You get a little bit of lime. You also get a curious nutritional fact box that counts each serving of this 8.4 ounce can of 12.5 percent alcohol by volume spirit as 1.5 ounces. I don’t believe you’re supposed to drink it a shot at a time, but it’s mildly concerning there’s more than 200 calories here (42 per serving).
Those calories are well spent, crafting a heavily sweet and slightly tart backdrop that covers up that heavy alcohol content. You do notice the vodka here, but it’s minor and definitely not enough to make you think there’s two shots involved per can. Which, right, is where the bulk of those calories come from. I’m dumb.
The ring at the top of the can says “never too sweet” but, friends, we are walking that tightrope here. Add in the swap of rum for vodka in a classic cocktail and things are at least a little weird. But that’s an inviting kind of weird.
Despite that mild harshness toward the end, it also finishes crisp and is both easy to come back to and easy to swig. I’d say this is a great golf course beverage to sneak into your bag, but good god I’d put down three of these in the first six holes and pass out in a sand trap around the turn.
Part of it may be that I’ve been coming off a string of malt beverages in these reviews. Now I get a cocktail that actually comes with the spirit promised in the label. That’s what I want. Austin Cocktails delivers that with ease and even puts an enjoyable twist on it.
Bergamot Orange Margarita: B+
I don’t know what a Bergamot orange is, but it sounds like something I cannot afford. You don’t smell it off the top of the pour, however. All you get here is tequila. A little sweet and salty agave, which is inviting on its own and, at the very least, doesn’t smell cheap.
Despite the currents wafting off the top and another 25 proof can, this doesn’t feel particularly strong. Yes, the tequila is there, but like with the mojito there’s no burn involved. The spirit itself doesn’t stand out in any appreciable way, but it’s part of a premixed drink and about what you’d expect. Totally fine.
The issue is the orange doesn’t really come through cleanly in a drink that gets fewer calories from its mixers than the mojito. I didn’t have to do math to figure that out; it’s right on the can. 25 calories from mixers in the margarita per four-ounce pour vs. 36 for the vodka drink. You get a hint of it toward the end, but for the most part this feels like a very basic canned margarita.
And it’s good at that! You could pass this off as a happy hour special if not for the surfeit of Red Bull-sized cans that would pile up in your recycling. It’s boozy and flavorful and feels like the real thing. It’s also stupidly easy to drink. Austin Cocktails are dangerous, y’all.
Fred’s Ruby Red Cocktail: B
I’ll be honest; I saved this for last because it seems… difficult. Grapefruit, lime, mint and vodka. Those are a lot of big flavors!
True to form, it pours a light pink and smells confusing. The first sip left me cocking my head back and forth like a dog hearing a clarinet. I’m not sure what I’m dealing with and less certain how I feel about it. I think it works? Question mark?
Here’s how it progresses; grapefruit to lime to MINT to lingering sweetness. The vodka is there lurking underneath all of it, but you can miss it because of the series of explosions taking place in the front of the house. It does fulfill the Austin Cocktail parameters of delivering enough flavor to cover up the booze content within and going right at the border of that “never too sweet” credo.
As a result, I can drink it just fine. Again; these cocktails are dangerous. They go down easily and pack a punch well hidden by their ingredients. But you still do get the impression you’re drinking a cared-for cocktail with each sip. It’s tough to see that as anything but a win.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?
This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Austin Cocktails over a cold can of Hamm’s?
Yes, but I’d have to stop myself at two or else the volume of my conversations would become a problem for everyone around me.