Look, I’m not proud that I wrote this. But you clicked on it, so obviously it’s something YOU are interested in, too, so let’s not pass any judgement here. okay?
I’m not going to lie, this might get a little weird at times, but for anyone who has spent way too much time customizing a player’s equipment in a sports video game, this stuff matters.
Football players are cool and the quarterback position is the coolest in all of sports. So quarterbacks have a responsibility to look cool, in my opinion. If they’re out there with loose sleeves and a cumbersome facemask — I’m talking about you, Sam Bradford — they’re not only letting themselves down, they’re also letting their fans down, too. These rankings are important.
Before we get to them, let me say this: A player’s talent shouldn’t factor into this, but it kind of does. Like, I’m sure I’m prejudiced by the way a guy plays the game. For instance, Patrick Mahomes would look cool playing football no matter what he was wearing, so he’ll naturally get a bump. But I’ll try my best to limit that and focus solely on how a player looks. I’m going to be as shallow as possible.
So now that my cards are on the table, let’s rank some dudes…
1. Kyler Murray, Cardinals
As you’ll come to learn as you work your way through these rankings, I’m partial to taller quarterbacks. There’s a reason why models are tall; clothes just look better on them. So Murray, the shortest QB in the league, really had his work cut out for him. But how can anyone deny how awesome he looks? The tinted visor, the one long sleeve, the red shoes, the one dab of eye black. This aesthetic definitely matches up with his wildly entertaining play style.
2. Carson Wentz, Eagles
Wentz is kind of a corny dude, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at him on the football field. Now, everyone looks a bit cooler in a clean, all-white uniform, but Wentz is elevating that look. I think his size helps, but the gloves and the shooter’s sleeve make a nice combo. If he threw a visor on, he might be at the top of this list.
3. Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs
This is basically the same look as Wentz’s, but Mahomes isn’t quite as physically imposing as the Eagles QB. Size matters, and now I’m finally starting to get why old general managers are so pressed to draft tall quarterbacks. It’s all about the aesthetic. Bill Polian did nothing wrong.
4. Derek Carr, Raiders
I despise Carr’s game, but even I can’t deny that he has a great look. I think it’s the cut of his pants. Look at how exposed those knees are. Knee pads are for dorks. Everyone knows this.
5. Deshaun Watson, Texans
All in all, this is a pretty basic look. There’s nothing too exciting going on here, but it works really well for Watson’s frame. Those red shoes with the red spat are really working for me.
6. Dak Prescott, Cowboys
It’s hard to look good as a short, stocky quarterback, but Dak pulls it off. The high white socks are an under-ultilized look for quarterbacks, and I like the slightly pulled up sleeves and wristbands.
7. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Dolphins
Nothing about Fitzpatrick’s uniform choices should be commended. Yet, I have him ranked in the top-10 … and we all know why: It’s the beard. Without that luscious tuft of hair sticking out from the bottom of his facemask, this is a bottom-of-the-league look. Because of it, the rest of Fitz’s Fit — I’m so sorry — comes together.
8. Tyrod Taylor, Chargers
This is such a clean look and it’s enhanced by the Chargers’ awesome uniforms. The white sleeves and white glove combo just works for me. And look at that pristine visor. I can’t wait to see what Tyrod has in store with these new Chargers uniforms.
9. Mitchell Trubisky, Bears
Look, I’m a sucker for the one long sleeve look. I don’t know how I feel about the glove and long wristband combo — it looks like he’s wearing cleaning gloves — but I feel bad for Mitch and wanted to give him a confidence boost. So here he is.
10. Lamar Jackson, Ravens
Am I the only one who expected more out of Lamar? I mean, he looks fine, but give us a sleeve or a glove. Your game is far too cool to have arms that bare and sleeves that loose.
11. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers
I don’t know how gracefully Big Ben’s game will age, but his look has aged well over the years. The sleeves are a little too loose, but the rest of his uniform choices are top notch. It’s not often you see an older quarterback pull off the shooter sleeve. That’s typically a young man’s game.
12. Josh Allen, Bills
We’re now officially in the “half-sleeve” part of the list, where every quarterback has the same general look. You can rearrange these guys however you see fit, but as you can tell with my order, I am partial to the taller guys.
13. Jared Goff, Rams
Now I can totally see why the Rams paid Goff all that money. The production in the early McVay years was obviously great, but this dude just looks like a quarterback. This is one of the few instances where the loose sleeves work — mostly because they aren’t that loose.
14. Jimmy Garoppolo, 49ers
This is just a clean look all around. I won’t deny that Jimmy G’s general hotness is probably helping him out here, but he also gets bonus points for effectively hiding that unsightly knee brace.
15. Matt Ryan, Falcons
On paper, Ryan has a pretty cool look. The sleeves, the gloves, the wrist bands, the eye black … it’s all very good. But he’s just so goofy looking that I had to drop him down a few spots. The left leg really drags him down. The only thing bigger than his knee brace is that gigantic thigh pad that appears to be wider than his actual thigh. Why do his pants look tight and loose at the same time?
16. Dwayne Haskins, Redskins
I thought 16 was a good spot for Haskins because this a perfectly average look. The visor is a nice touch but I’m not sure how I feel about the shorter compression sleeves. Year 2 is going to be huge for this young quarterback. Let’s see how he builds on this look going forward.
17. Kirk Cousins, Vikings
For such a dorky dude, Cousins has a decent look. Though, I will say the hand warmer overlapping the towel looks so awkward. I guess it fits Cousins’ persona.
18. Russell Wilson, Seahawks
This is actually a decent look, but I think this is where Wilson’s height hurts him. It’s not just that he’s shorter than most starting quarterbacks; it’s that he’s also wider than most quarterbacks. I can’t get that picture of him in the Hawaiian shirt out of my head.
19. Tom Brady, Buccaneers
Forget about Deflategate, Alex Guerrero and Bill Belichick, what we really need Brady to come clean on is those damn socks. Why are they so big? What are you hiding under those things, Tom?
20. Joe Burrow, Bengals
This is the default look you get in Madden you start to create a player. It’ll be interesting to see how this look evolves at the next level.
21. Ryan Tannehill, Titans
Sure.
22. Daniel Jones, Giants
Let’s tighten up those sleeves, son. Even Sam Bradford thinks they need to be tapered a bit.
23. Philip Rivers, Chargers
Back in the day, Rivers rocked a visor. We need to get back to those days. And while we’re at it, let’s cover up that farmer’s tan and get a less bulky flack jacket.
24. Teddy Bridgewater, Panthers
Like every other NFL fan, I love Teddy, but I have a confession to make: I’ve never been a fan of the gloves. Not with bare arms and those loose sleeves. His wiry frame isn’t helping matters, either.
25. Sam Darnold, Jets
I mean, this look is perfectly fine, but something doesn’t sit right with me. I think it’s the glove, which looks out of place. It’s like he just randomly decided to throw a glove on at the last minute.
26. Baker Mayfield, Browns
He’s just so … round. I don’t know. Like, Mayfield definitely isn’t overweight, but the uniform doesn’t look right on him. I guess that’s why he was a two-time walk-on. Are you giving this dude a scholarship with that look? I didn’t think so.
27. Drew Lock, Broncos
For a young quarterback with an entertaining play style, you’d expect so much more from Lock. His look is like 65% knee brace.
28. Jarrett Sidham, Patriots
Is he wearing an XXXL jersey? This is who Patriots fans have put their faith in? Bill, I’m begging you: Sign Cam Newton already. I mean look at this:
This is the greatest Photoshop I’ve ever seen. pic.twitter.com/zBYpiVYjXW
— ✊🏾 (@TacosNSlurpees) April 1, 2020
29. Drew Brees, Saints
I have nothing interesting to say about this look and that’s why it’s this low on the list. This is how every player was dressed in Madden before they started adding customizable equipment to the game. I can’t rank this Madden 2000 look any higher. Brees also loses points for his practice aesthetic. You could fit a pyramid in these sleeves…
look at those sleeves. what are you hiding in there, drew? pic.twitter.com/nZqad0Qjny
— Steven Ruiz (@theStevenRuiz) May 28, 2020
30. Matthew Stafford, Lions
Everything I just wrote about Brees applies to Stafford.
31. Gardner Minshew, Jaguars
Minshew has that Baker Mayfield thing going on where he just doesn’t look like an NFL starter. An unlike Baker, he’s not wearing a visor, which naturally pushes him down the list.
32. Aaron Rodgers, Packers
I hate everything about this look. Why is his helmet so big? Why is his faemask so small? Why are his sleeves so loose? Why do his legs look so short? How many plays does he have on that big ass wristband? Black shoes and white socks? No wonder the Packers drafted a quarterback in the first round.