It’s NFL draft week, which also means it’s everyone’s favorite time of year: Anonymous Scout SZN.
Anonymous scouts have been quarantined for most of draft season and they’re itching to unleash fiery takes with the aim of tearing down the character or young men who are just chasing their dreams.
We’ve invited a fake anonymous scout to do a guest mock draft for FTW. It turned out about how you would expect.
Enjoy…
1. Bengals: Justin Herber, QB Oregon
Anonymous scout says: “I know everyone loves the Burrow kid, but not me. He’s throws like Chad Pennington. And I mean Pennington right now. If I’m using a first-overall pick on a quarter, it’s gonna be on a guy with a rocket arm.
“Herbert’s got a cannon and he has the accolades. We’re talking about a 2017 Academic All American here, people. Usually, I don’t do nerds but when they can throw it like him, I’ll make an exception.
“As a bonus, this guy is all about the team. Think about it. He didn’t make one All Pac-12 team during his time at Oregon. Not even a second team! He wanted to keep the focus on the team. Being good at football is a look-at-me move.”
2. Redskins: Chase Young, DE Ohio State
Anonymous scout says: “You know, people always say scouts overthink things, but that’s not gonna happen here. Not with Chase Young. He’s too good. He dominated every week. It almost looked too easy for him. He didn’t even have to try and he could still get two sacks a game. Kind of makes you wonder how he’s going to handle adversity. I mean, has he ever dealt with failure? Because you’re going to lose some reps on Sundays. The pro tackles are just so good. How’s he gonna handle that? I don’t know. Everyone says this kid’s a sure thing but I don’t see it.”
3. Lions: Jacob Eason, QB Washington
Anonymous scout says: “Now we’re talking. Eason checks all the boxes I look for in a quarterback: Big arm, almost no movement skills — Johnny U did NOT scramble — and I’d definitely let this dude date my daughter. Look at him…
“That’s a guy who knows his way around a pair of Kirkland Signature jeans.”
4. Giants: N/A
Anonymous scout says: “Can we skip this one? I don’t want to give away my … I mean … Dave’s draft-day strategy.”
5. Dolfins: Tua, QB Alabama
Anonymous scout says: “I no it’s not woke to bring up the Wonderlick scores but I’m not afraid of getting hashtag cancelled. Look, your the face of a franchise and football is a thinking man’s sport. I’m just a anonamouse scout and I’m held to a high standard by my employer. The quarterback should be to. What did he score? A 13? Herbert, my QB1, scored a 39! That’s almost double Tua’s score.
“Are we sure this guy even knows left from right? He’s not even throwing with the right hand!”
6. Chargers: Jeffery Okudah, CB Ohio State
Anonymous scout says: “My wife left me.”
7. Panthers: Jerry Jeudy, WR Alabama
Anonymous scout says: “Everyone wants to post these clips of Jeudy running these routes. That’s cool, but what’s going to happen when he’s being pressed by Jalen Ramsey with Earl Thomas over the top, Bobby Wagner buzzing underneath and Aaron Donald getting ready to take his head off? Show me a clip of him doing that and then I’ll be on board.”
8. Cardinals: Isaiah Simmons, LB Clemson
Anonymous scout says: “I read at a fourth-grade level.”
9. Jaguars: CeeDee Lamb, WR Oklahoma
Anonymous scout says: “Gonna give the Jaguars a receiver even though I don’t think it will happen. The league really doesn’t get it when it comes to positional value. Especially when it comes to receivers. I mean, just look at the DeAndre Hopkins trade! That GM should be fired. Giving up a stud running back like David Johnson for a replaceable player like Hopkins? Moron.”
10. Browns: Jordan Love, QB Utah State
Anonymous scout says: “I know the Browns have a QB already, but it’s always good to prepare for the future. Just look at that hero entrepreneur who bought up all the hand sanitizer. The New York Times even did a story on him. Now that guy has it all figured out. He’d be a great scout.”
11. Mekhi Becton, OT Louisville
Anonymous scout says: “I had this kid as a top-5 pick before I found out he knew how to cook. If you really love football, you don’t have time to learn how to cook. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal since the 2000 draft. I screwed around and convinced my team to draft a kicker in the first round. It’s been all Hot Pockets and microwave burritos for me since then. My sodium levels might kill me, but my work has never been better. Priorities.”
12. Raiders: Joe Burrow, QB LSU
“Quitter. Plain and simple. This guy quit on the Buckeyes because he couldn’t win a job? That’s what kids do these days when things get a little hard. They don’t like work. They just quit.
“Anyway, how many more picks do we got?
“20!?!?
“Yeah, I’ve got somewhere to be. We can just cut it off there. The rest of these guys stink.”
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