This week the former Missouri Secretary of State Jason Kander shared a very heartwarming story about Chiefs quarterback Pat Mahomes. In the story, he and his girlfriend are eating at a crowded Kansas City restaurant, but no one disturbs them. They eat their meal in peace, then at the end of the meal, Mahomes turns at the door and loudly thanks everyone for respecting his privacy. Also, he’s paying all of their bills.
Cue the tears. Heartwarming. Truly beautiful.
Also, this story is most likely not real. Why am I being a scrooge on this one? Well, for one, the story is missing any details that could be verifiable, like a restaurant name, place, anything. Two, color me skeptical that, in a crowded restaurant of people who all just got free meals from the most famous athlete in their city, no one at all posted about it on social media or alerted the local news. They all stayed totally silent about it, for weeks, until a politician shared it on his social media.
Third, this exact same story was going around about Troy Polamalu a decade ago.
Maybe it happened but … I doubt it. However, I also find it totally unfair that Pat Mahomes is the only one who gets a story like this.
So, here you go, Jimmy Garoppolo and the city of San Francisco. If Mahomes gets a most-likely fake, heartwarming story, I am giving you a completely fake, heartwarming story. You’re welcome.
A Heartwarming (Fake) Story About Jimmy Garoppolo
A few months ago, several employees of a major tech company were surprised when they walked into their Chillax Lounge and saw who else but 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.
He was there waiting by the foosball table, looking for a game. People could have rushed around him and asked for photos of him, but, no, this is San Francisco, everyone was totally respectful. One by one, each tech bro took on Jimmy in foosball, and one by one Jimmy G beat them.
Every time, they’d just say, “Thanks for the game, sir,” and he’d nod politely at them.
Then, just as he was about to wrap up his last game of foosball, a once-thought-extinct California Condor swooped in through an open window and grabbed a small boy who also happened to be in the tech company, for a reason. The mighty bird held the child in his talons, and appeared ready to rip the child limb from limb.
Everyone was terrified, but then Jimmy Garoppolo walked calmly up to the bird, and said “I’ll be taking that boy back now.” He then punched the California Condor square in the beak.
The bird dropped the child, then stepped back, and bowed at Jimmy, acknowledging that he’d been beaten in combat. The mighty bird, unharmed except for his bird pride, then flew away.
Jimmy G picked the child up, dusted him off, and said “I hope you’re alright son. And also, work hard in school, because I’ll be paying for you to go to college. Every last dime.”
“I will, sir,” said the boy.
And do you know who that boy grew up to be? That’s right. It was Nick Bosa.
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