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I don’t know why I need to provide more than just that headline above but then again I do get paid to write (kinda) well thought out arguments and I think my boss might still be subscribed to this newsletter, so I better explain myself a little more here.
Tomorrow a lot of you are going to sit around a table with loved ones and carve into a big turkey that nobody is really all that excited about because – and say it with me – turkey stinks and should be avoided on Thanksgiving.
I’m here to help you avoid that fate, as there’s still time until your guests arrive. Your menu doesn’t have to be set just yet.
Thanks to tradition many of us are programmed to get a turkey during Thanksgiving week, figure out yet again how long to cook the darned thing, and then dump a bunch of sides on the turkey to make it seem like it’s actually good.
Sure, there are a bunch of things you can do with a turkey while preparing it and then while cooking it to try to trick yourself into thinking it’s flavorful but we all know what the end result is going to be. Oh, you put butter under the skin before cooking it? Oh, you coat it in herb butter before putting it in the oven? Oh, you throw a bunch of cut up vegetables in the pan with it while it cooks?
Cool stories, same outcome – total blahness
Turkey is a boring, tasteless meat that is rightly ignored 364 days a year. And calm down, I know turkey sandwiches are popular, but have you ever seen anyone smile while either ordering a turkey sandwich at a shop or while making one at home? Have you ever seen someone at work pump their fist and go, “Yes! I brought a turkey sandwich for lunch today!”
No, you haven’t. Because we all know just how dull and non-delicious this bird is.
Heck, turkey isn’t even offered at most restaurants because restaurant owners know nobody is silly enough to go out of their house and waste money on such a disappointing meal.
Instead, we’ll devote a whole day and maybe travel through time zones just to sit down and slap some slices of a turkey breast on your plate. How sad.
So what should you do instead of making turkey on Thanksgiving? I don’t know – maybe try making something that is tasty and desirable for those who have come over to your house to eat?
You know what people/non-vegeterians love to eat? Smoked meats. A smoked pork butt is perfect for a Thanskgiving dinner. It can smoke slow and low all day while you watch football and consume more wine than you probably should.
Or what about a brisket? Now there is a delicious treat. It will take longer to smoke than a pork butt and is a little more labor intensive but once it’s done people will be yelling at you to slice it up and slop it on their plate.
Sides for smoked meats are easy, too – just break out your classic sides of mac and cheese, brussel sprouts, potatoes au gratin, you name it. You can even still have stuffing because you’re an adult and can make these types of decisions.
Not into smoked meats? How about a pot roast or prime rib or make a bunch of homemade pizzas with your family?
Just anything but turkey. It’s time that we move away from turkey. This boring bird has held its power over us for way too long. We deserve to sit back and stuff our faces with something that actually puts a smile on our faces.
And turkey ain’t it.
Tuesday’s biggest winner: Bill Walton.
The hoops legend is calling games at the Maui Invitational and boy is he feeling good and having some fun in Hawaii. Here’s a collection of some wild tangents he’s gone off on the past few days, including how he wanted to go outside between games and get some sun and become the first “human solar panel.” Beautiful stuff.
Quick hits: Kane the mayor… How Duck got his name… Rams free falling… And more!
– WWE legend Kane is now a mayor of a town and he told our Nick Schwartz all about what that’s like.
– The Steelers will start QB Devlin “Duck” Hedges this week against the Browns. How’d he get that nickname? Our Charles Curtis explains.
– Here are many reasons why the Los Angeles Rams could be bad for a while.
– Our Steven Ruiz looks at 7 NFL coaches who should be fired at the end of the year, including Jason Garrett.
(Follow me on Twitter at @anezbitt. It might change your life. Just don’t tell me about your fantasy team.)